The Boys Are All Right

Considering I never really asked to have pet turtles - I have them anyway.  My mother got them for me during a time when I was asking for a pet iguana - I suppose turtles are slower and easier to catch?!  And considering pets aren't allowed at the place where we stay - it seemed like a more interesting choice over the usual fighting fishes that I used to have. (They have mostly gone off to the great aquarium in the sky now) I never really named these fishes, since I considered them my - 1st line of defense - it's morbid but, there is a belief that our pets sometimes "take the fall" for us, in the event that we are to suffer some major illness or worse. hmmm.. Everytime a fish would die, I'd tell my mom - I need more fish!! as if it was energy points in some video game and I'm extending my playing time. haha. Now. Here come the turtles.
There are two of them - the bigger one - I've named Sushi, and the smaller, more neurotic one, I have decided to call - Shogun.  They would either walk around the unit, or when it's feeding or sleeping time, stay in a big plastic tub in the bathroom.  A few months ago, my mom took them home to The Sticks, had a 'resort' made (Read: a small cement enclosure with rocks and a bowl filled with water) for them.  I hemmed and hawed over being separated from the two - as we have an ongoing love-hate relationship... I love being able to talk to them and have Sushi actually come towards me when I call him (he fancies himself a dog, I think?) while I hate having to search for and reach for Shogun under the furthest corner under the bed or couch where he decides to hide from prying eyes. I also don't particularly enjoy post-meal clean-ups, since goodness! It's a testing thing, cleaning up after turtles - and it isn't like you can potty-train them like dogs (or some cats).
Although I stay in the city and only visit the house in The Sticks every other weekend or so, my mom has enlisted the neighbor's help in feeding the boys and sweeping up the grounds around the house - to make sure the weeds don't get too high or snakes might decide to take permanent residence there! Eeee!
I was out in The Sticks last week. I noticed, a brighter shade of red in both the boys - they are Red Eared Slider turtles - the brighter the shade of red, the healthier they supposedly are. Seems they're thriving in their new habitat - which is good.  Sushi still remembers me, and Shogun seems less neurotic.  Win-win. They get fresh air, more sunlight now compared to when they were at the condo and more space to walk around in too - which is closer to a turtle's "natural" habitat.

In the soup?

Shogun, seems a whole lot less jittery now ever since the move. Sushi, still curious and intrepid as ever. It can be interesting having turtles as pets - I want to debunk the superstitious belief that allowing children to have turtles as pets makes them "slow" since, my speech hasn't been affected a whit by raising these two - I recall when I was much younger and my grandmother (Loly) found out that my mom got me turtles, she was tut-tutting that it isn't good for children to take care of turtles.  Okay, maybe I get a little dense sometimes, but I don't think the turtles are to blame for this deficiency. haha. 
Those turtles, I brought out to "play" with me, by the gutter of the sidewalk, and er, forgot to bring them back inside with me when I was called back into the house. What?! geez, I was, what? 8? Okay, okay, my bad. I bet they've found their way into the sewerage system and are now bigger than cars. Gee.
But - back to my current Terrapins (the technical and official term for turtles) I miss having them around, and wish they were still here with me, cooped up at the condo.  But it seems the transfer was a healthier option for them - because turtles also need to get some sun - i usually take them out to the Fire Escape with me, in the afternoons in their tub half-filled with water and allow them to "sunbathe". Can I morbidly say - Turtle Soup, anyone??? hee! NOT. But now, although their enclosure is in the shade, they still get more sun out in The Sticks than they ever would if they were here in the city with me. Even if I let them sun themselves in the afternoon, they'd develop a red rash underneath their carapace (that's what the shell is called) and that is an indicator that they aren't getting enough Vitamin D (which you get from sunlight...funny, I would've called it Vitamin S !?!)
My point in all this rambling? CHANGE CAN BE A GOOD THING.
Many people, myself included, resist change. We want what's familiar, we fear the unknowable future and try in vain to ignore the fact that change, is the only constant, and the only things you can be sure of are...wait for it...Death & Taxes. It's one thing to have Lupus, to have Arthritis at an age when I technically shouldn't be bothered by it for another 20-30 years or so, but hey, it's here. Deal with it, Babs. Each day isn't ever really the same except MY constant, is that, it involves pain. I've gotten used to it. You either accept it, or feel sorry for yourself, which, I figure, is useless and makes me feel even worse.
So - I've been stepping out of my comfort zone more and more, each day - a day at a time. I stretch more, drink more water and try to get to sleep earlier than my usual 'vampire hour' schedule - even if that means taking a pill that leaves me feeling like a stunned cow when I get up the next morning.
There are times when the change imposed upon is something we didn't ask for, or is beyond our control. You either resist this, or go with it. I vote for the latter. It's very possible that the new will bring with it better things and a more positive result than if I were to stick to the 'tried and true' (although that also has its merits in many cases)
I worried about the turtles being in a new and unfamiliar environment - and now I see it would have been selfish of me to keep them here when they seem so much better off where they are right now.

from L-R - Shogun & Sushi

I can't say for sure how things are going to unfold for me in 2011, (even with my limited understanding of Astrology - and since I'm not a fortune-teller) I can only try to anticipate possible influences and remain aware of my motivations and plan my days and weeks responsibly on a desk calendar. I can't guarantee that I'll be in the best of moods or in the best of health every single day, but I will do all I can to keep getting up each day, regardless of the urge to just stay lying down like a gigantic paperweight.  
The boys are all right...and I believe - I will be too.
*Rock & Roll*


Note: For those who are wondering where "The Sticks" is - it's our house in Victoria, Laguna. It's an hour and a half's drive from Manila, sometimes two, depending on the traffic.

If Only for One.

Must.Get.Better.
It sucks to be sick. To have a medical condition that requires maintenance medication, doctor's visits and possibly blood tests more often than you're happy with. I'm not even talking about the 'need to be hospitalized' kind of sick, that would suck even more.  I mean the financially draining utterly frustrating kind of sick that means you take medication regularly or you die. Or if not, you end up in the hospital and incur an even greater financial blow.
Unless you have money stashed away in some bank account in Switzerland, have access to an unlimited amount of cash or gold, get funding from God or some higher power - even then - there seems to be better use for money other than doctor fees and medicine expenses. Oh. I forget, that's why parents like it when their children want to be doctors, for a "bright and assured" future of never having to worry about money. I'm not anti-doctor, in fact, my life expectancy has been given an extension courtesy of modern medicine and skilled doctors. The blood tests show that - despite all the medication I've had to take, my kidneys and liver are A-OK. But still. It sucks. Seems cheaper to be dead. Plus, you don't even need to pay taxes when you're dead. Sigh.
So. What's the point in all this? There are governments that are rife with corruption, leaders who misplace, mismanage and pocket funds that are meant to make people's lives better, people who are falsely charged, detained, spirited away and missing, taken away from their wondering and worried families, people who - trusted public officials enough to place them in positions of power - and there are those who have nothing. Nothing. No home, no livelihood, no family, no friends. Not much of a life.
What is the point?
If getting up in the morning is so difficult, think of the person who doesn't even have arms to push themselves up off the bed, or legs to walk to the bathroom. There are many reasons to be grateful about not being dead, although there are days when I am hard pressed to come up with one. This might just be one of them.  
But let me stop for a moment and remember some things. Just because you think your being on this earth doesn't matter, you never know that there is someone out there who'd rather have your life than the one they currently have. Someone who possibly looks up to you and wishes that someday, they can be close to being somewhat like you (this, provided you aren't a drug-lord, smuggler or a swindler). If the way you live your life becomes a good example for living well, then you have every right to walk with your head held high because it's hard to be a good person in a world that has seemingly lost its wits. So much easier to be angry, rather than to remain calm in the face of aggression; so much easier to give up and say - damn this all, I QUIT! It's more of a challenge to get up and face each day as it comes, with all the chores and demands that one's life brings with it.  It could be pain, it could be meetings to no end, it could be dealing with people you'd rather not be dealing with - it could be attempting what seems impossible within the limited time you have been given to accomplish something. Challenging. I am not the competitive sort, plus I hate to lose (then again, very few people actually enjoy that) so I can be accused of a certain Laodecian attitude. I do, however, due to a glitch in my personality, have it in me to get really worked up about certain issues - while I stay aggravatingly silent on others. I have my opinions, many I keep to myself, but certainly not all of them. I talk faster than my brain can process things sometimes, so my mouth gets me in trouble more than I care to remember. Must.Learn.To.Shut.Up.
But hey! this is a blog - so, it would be pointless if I didn't write anything, n'est ce pas?  
I remember having a chat with a very good friend of mine, many years back - who was not feeling like she was the best place in her life - and I recall reminding her - that she might not have any idea that there might be someone out there, some kid who knows of her, looks up to her and aims to follow her footsteps someday. If only for that one kid, then doing what she does should be worth it. She need not know for a fact about this kid, but the possibility of it is always there - especially if you are a relatively public figure.
Now, for the rest of us - there could be someone who knows of you, or even someone who actually knows you personally, that looks up to you - and you don't know it. Live in a way that sets a positive example whenever you can.
Who knows if just the sight of you is enough to brighten up someone's day?
A smile can make a world of difference, even if it is given to someone you don't know. So give them out - smile with your eyes, from your heart, because you mean it. Strangers are just new friends whose names you don't know. Just don't smile at new friends in dark alleyways, because that's just creepy and possibly dangerous, okay? =)

Mural @ Sunway Medical Center, photo by Mark Montalban 

If by being alive, you have the opportunity to touch a life, make a difference, no matter how small, in the life of at least one person - then maybe, just maybe, it will be worth it. ツ

Tiger, The Yorkshire Terrier, Turns 14

Tiger, my mom's geriatric (although he doesn't look it) Yorkshire Terrier, turned 14 years old on February 10th 2011.
Now, my mom celebrated her birthday on the 8th, and being out in The Sticks, all I recall us having for lunch was turbo chicken - where all you do is probably marinate it with butter or something, put in the broiler, set the timer and leave it be till the bell rings, telling you it's done and fit to serve. Then later that evening, my brother, Mark came over and brought a cake. =) 
However. It being Tiger who is a year older - we had steak for lunch. Not just *any* steak - my mom clarified and made sure I realized the import of this fact - we had Tenderloin Steak! None of that 'Breakfast Steak' to celebrate this special day. No way! =P

Steak & Soup Lunch
(taken with a SonyW350i phone camera, not bad, eh?)

I've always joked about how my mother would let kidnappers take my other siblings - should we ever be nabbed, but would not think twice about selling the house to come up with the money to ransom her "youngest" baby. This steak incident is just a reinforcement of that funny story. hahaha. seriously.
This dog, like so many of the other pampered, loved and cared for pets out there - has most likely forgotten that he is not human. He probably believes he IS Human! He refuses to simply lay on the floor sometimes and will only sleep soundly if he is on a pillow or some mattress. Such a spoiled boy! Like Lassie (that wonder-dog of yore) he knows to let you know if he wants something - like remind you that his water dish needs to be refilled, or that you've probably forgotten to share your lunch with him.  He has a way about him, a look - that you can almost *hear* him saying out loud - "Hellooooooooooooo...am I not in the room???"  One time, i recall my dad telling of an instance when - he had turned off some of the room lights while Tiger was eating dinner.  A few minutes later, he noticed, Tiger was standing in front of him, staring directly at him. (strange because at the age he is in, Tiger probably has very very poor eyesight!) But anyway, my dad gets up wondering what the matter was.  He switched on the room lights, and almost immediately, Tiger again started to eat. Odd.  Apparently, Tiger was thinking - Who in their right mind would expect ME to eat in the dark???? What do they think I am? a BAT??? GADS. There are countless conversations I have in my head of what Tiger might actually be thinking - many of them when my mom has it in her head to make him wear clothes - she even makes him wear a jacket, and if I remember correctly, as a Halloween costume, once got him these tiny gossamer wings and turned him into a fairy. Seriously.

Tiger wearing a beret. Yes. seriously.

THIS is what I get. THIS, was my fault. I specifically recall a conversation with my mom, many, many years back - when my mom was at the height of her "I wonder when I am going to have grandchildren" phase...that I blithely replied: grandchildren??? Why don't you just get a dog?! And she did.
And oh, the rewards of that. For my mom, anyway - Tiger is devoted to her. Sits quietly at her lap and follows her every move as closely as a falcon its prey, or like a mother hen watches over its brood. It's so bad that he even sits and waits outside the door when she goes and takes a shower!  When my mom had to leave for work in the South, and she didn't bring Tiger with her - he was listless and forlorn.  I suggested she call and leave a message on the telephone answering machine, just so Tiger could hear her voice. I was worried that he hadn't been eating much since she'd left. I happened to be there when the call came in - and saw Tiger's reaction.
His ears perked up and he was spinning wildly to determine where my mom's voice was coming from. It was an amazing spectacle.  I promised not to answer the phone so my mom really WAS calling for Tiger's benefit. When the call ended and it was properly assumed that she was NOT in the room, Tiger resumed his lonely post on his bed and commenced to sulk. No amount of calling or petting would really make him get up and make walking around worth his while.  Needless to say - the next trip my mom took - she took Tiger with her.  He can even tell when it is my mom, and not someone else who is nearby.
He has a strange aversion to my dad, and pointedly refuses to approach whenever it is my dad calling him - he would rather opt to head for under the table, or walk in the direction of where my mom is.  When my dad manages to pick him up, you can see Tiger making a futile effort to make himself heavier (not easy when you're a Yorkie, mind you!) and this can be attested to by my dad. Or sometimes, he'll cast a begging look in my mom's direction as if to say: "Save Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" it's funny really.
I remember a time when even I am not spared from his condescension. I came home one time to be greeted at the door - and when he realized it wasn't my mom - he takes one snobbish snort, then promptly turned tail and walked away from me.. almost like saying: "Oh...It's just you." Insulted! By a DOG! Well, I never!!! hahahaha. That's Tiger for you.
However, when my mom comes home, that's a different story. When she gets home after an afternoon out - he hops and wriggles like a puppy about to be given a treat - I bet if he could jump out of his skin, he would, just for the sheer joy of knowing my mom has come home. Before she leaves, or if my mom and I have an errand to run that may take a while, i remind her to "explain" to Tiger that we're heading out, and that he can't go because he isn't allowed where we're going, or that he might get too tired (or bored) there.. yes, yes, we're a crazy lot. =P But that seems to alleviate the anxiety for Tiger, because if she does just leave with no prior explanation and is gone for a while - she can expect to come home to yips and yelps from Tiger as if to say: "Where the hell WERE you? and WHY DID YOU TAKE SO LOOOOOOONG?" 
And now, Tiger is 14. That's a long time in dog years. Don't ask me to calculate how old that is in Human terms - but that's pretty old.  He actually seems younger these days and remains staunchly devoted to my mother.
At least these days, my mom no longer nags or wonders if she's ever going to have grandchildren. =P Maybe she's finally given that thought up. *whew*

Tiger

I have written this post, specifically at the behest of my mom. And as a gift to the "birthday boy"...Also because I'm sure I won't hear the end of it if I didn't.

;-) So! To everyone who loves their pets - May you enjoy many many more years of love and companionship! Mabuhay!!!

Notes on Being A Rock-Star

I remember a friend asking me once before – Why be a ‘Rock Star’ and what is the fuss there all about anyway? Truly, anyone who knows me is aware that I don’t really fit the mold of a typical, or even a ‘would-be-rock-star’. So – why the title? Why must I *insist*?

Because Rock-Stars have a reputation for going against what is expected, of being strong (note my many references to throwing television sets out of hotel windows) and for being pigeon-holed – 

let’s include there the desire to break out of that stereo-typing by means of how they conduct themselves. (this latter part a tribute to those who use their fame as a means to promote worthy causes and issues that need to be heard, dealt with or addressed.)

I sing with more gusto than any real talent – like my life depends on it, mostly, but don’t expect me to always stay in tune. 

I dance, but only because I enjoy it or I like the song that’s playing.  I shy away from group dancing as I cannot (believe me, I’ve tried) follow the typical dance steps as seen on television. I don’t even dress like a Rock-star, given that I’m usually just in jeans and a tank-top, with scruffy Rubber shoes or my Rockport boots – which – actually serve to reinforce my ankles from buckling, more than any bid to look more “Rock-Star-ish”.

It isn’t just about talent, it is about ability. It is how you face the day to day drudgery that can be real life. It’s how you take the minute and remember to fill it with as much of yourself as you can possibly put in there. It is how you can BE yourself and not be too bored or disgusted with how little you feel you have accomplished in your long-long life 

(or what feels like a long life sometimes).

There will always be something to be thankful for, and although there will be many times you will feel like the most wretched creature that ever walked the face of the earth, all it takes is a few moments to “get over yourself” and realize how much luckier you are than most people in this without a doubt wretched society in which we now live. If you have a place to call home, have at least one or two people you trust enough to call when you are in serious trouble (aside from family, because they are usually ALWAYS there for you by default), and still have access to all your five senses (even if it might be slightly compromised – poor eyesight, faulty hearing) it’s still better than no access or nothing to your name whatsoever, right? Even when this might be the case – you’ve still got yourself, which, sometimes is all you need to keep living.

I might be sounding overly optimistic – think what you want. 

I have no control over that. But I do have control over what I think – so I’ll try to stick to that, thank you. I’d like to think that people make the best choices they think possible at every given moment or circumstance – and though we might not always like or agree with those choices, that doesn’t mean that they are the wrong ones.

For those who don’t agree with me, you have a choice – just close this tab and forget about the blog, or keep reading it. Hide or ignore me on Facebook, makes little or no difference to me. Ever wishing for World Peace, I’m not one to give out more olive branches than I actually have on-hand. I am not running as a candidate for sainthood, since to vie for that might not be consistent with my being a Rock Star. Haha.

To get on with it – There are days that even when nothing of particular importance has happened, you feel either elated or really dismayed. That’s part of life.  Sometimes it’s the dull moments that allow you to fully appreciate the times when the experience of being alive is so rich and rewarding. Remember the quiet and look forward to the gut-wrenching moments of laughter with friends and family – or the times when everything just feels right with the world and your life.

There’s always something to learn – not just by going to school or reading books and newspapers – but stuff to learn from things, people and circumstances around you.  I like to take the time to just take things in and see how I feel about them. This might easily be misconstrued as my not doing anything in particular, but I’d like to be able to determine for myself whether a current topic or happening is relevant to me, and how I personally wish to feel or respond (or not) to anything.

I’m not used to holding back – maybe this is something I should practice more? I have a tendency to react more than to reflect – but this is precisely why it’s important that I remember to tune everything and everyone out once in a while. Listen to myself and remind myself to – GET OVER YOURSELF.

I will sort of contradict Gnothi Seauton (Know Thyself) and say, know yourself to know others. Sometimes I fall prey to projecting and that becomes a hassle. I have to remember that sometimes, what annoys me about another person is actually something about myself that I probably don’t like very much. It isn’t so much the fault of the other person, but rather a shortcoming in MYSELF, that I refuse to see or acknowledge.

Life is a constant learning experience. The key, to being a Professional Human Being I suppose, is that you keep trying to stay Human and strive to be an even better one as you grow older. 

Someone who doesn’t just go through the motions of living, but  rather a person that tries to reach the fullest potential of being a Child of The Universe.

Walk your talk.

Look people in the eye and speak truthfully, or not at all.

Your right hand should know what your left hand is doing.

Keep your promises, and when you can’t – don’t make them.

Don’t say one thing and do another.

And please, do not preach and crow about how religious and right you are if you flout the very virtues which you claim to have by acting contrarily. If you know yourself enough – hopefully, you will know what your limitations (and capabilities) are.

I often fail to remember these things, but I do what I can to remember, because these are the rules which I try to live my life by. 
See what rules work for you. 

Gnothi Seauton.

You’ve got to know what the rules are, before you can break any of them. (or, you could also throw them out of a hotel window) ;-)

Be strong and take the moments as they come. Plan ahead whenever possible, but sometimes contingencies are in order even with the best laid plans. Be strong not just for others, but for yourself.

People will always have their notions of who you might be, or who you should be or who you “could” be – but only YOU can say for sure who you are. Listen to yourself. This is one of those times when it is okay to be self-centered. Listen to advice and feedback, but take a while to reflect and see what resonates best with who you are. From experience, I don’t think I was ever really happy when I just went along with something suggested to me, out of a sense of being polite. It had to be something suggested and followed because it felt right – of course you also need to consider if it is the right thing to do.

As I continue on my quest of getting to know who I am – let’s hope I make the world a better place to live in – in ways that, although insignificant, make little ripples in the fabric of reality – even if it is just MY reality.

Let’s Rock & Roll!!!

How Long Is A Long Time?

I've been thinking about the Theory of Relativity.
Not in the scientific, rational sense here, but - in the irrational, human sense.  Time, becomes relatively slower for someone who is in pain or suffering, or bored, while for those who are euphoric, having fun or very busy - time is just going by too damned quick. 
More time, less time - depends on who is talking, doesn't it?
The human heart is a tricky thing.  Sure, at face value, when someone cuts up a person - physically - and gets to the heart, all we see are sinews of muscle, nerves and I would think, blood. Now, let's go beyond what you can see and touch - the heart - and how it works for us, besides the beating and pumping blood through your system part.
People are different - that's the way things are.  Not just physically different, but the ways we have of coping with the same thing - might, essentially be the same, but never quite the same.  Does that make any sense?
Well, since I'm writing this, it isn't like anyone can really answer that question for me  right now, huh? So I will go on with my rambling.
There can't be a time-frame for feelings.  Some people are able to contain and put away their feelings as quickly as an efficient flight attendant might stow luggage in the overhead cabin of an airplane.  Some people have their feelings running rampant and awry that it's like their aura is a blaze of whatever emotion they might be feeling at any given time.  There are also those who are able to give themselves a time-frame to get it out of their system, and be all right, as scheduled.  It isn't necessarily same way for everyone, and that's perfectly fine.  It is what makes being human an interesting experience, what makes the human being wondrous, spectacular, frightening and beautiful. Diverse.       Perfect in imperfection.
Now, I expect a lot of resistance on the last point - especially from perfectionists... Hee!
As a kid, I worried about the End Of The World. I worried that I might die. I was...Maybe 5? 6? Yes, I remember being worried about this at that age. I remember asking my mom about it anxiously and as kids that age are wont to take whatever their parents say at face value - i was comforted by my mom's answer - That it was a long time from now.  "Matagal pa yon." I took her at her word and left it at that. Fear set aside from a single dismissive answer. 
In High-school, there was a wave of talk going around about "The End Of The World" and people were either giving away or asking for these special blessed candles that - since they were blessed, were the only ones that could ever be lit when all the lights go out as the world 'as we know it' comes to an end. In my head I wondered - well, that's fine for the Catholics, but what about the people from the other religions who don't have access to this special candle? I began to fret anew. I think they even had a specific date as to when the world was supposed to end - or a window of time that it would.
The fear of death once again rose from the pits of my mind where I had tossed them previously. Thoughts I thought were safely tucked away came spilling out helter-skelter and I started to worry that I haven't yet lived my life. I was in High-School. I even think I asked if I could skip school on that day and just enjoy myself doing whatever I wanted - but I knew I didn't want to spend my last day in school, it felt like such a waste of time! (hardly the academe, even back then). And THE DAY, came and went. The world did not end.  
The Sky is NOT falling, Chicken Little, you aren't dead yet.
I don't even know where my mom kept the blessed, sacred candle.
Time went on.  I finished High-School, finished College, got a job (eventually), changed jobs, got diagnosed with a chronic disease with no cure, and I'm not dead yet. I'm still here. Wow. Admittedly, on the surface able to live out my days still - not as I might have, were I not diagnosed with Lupus, but here nonetheless.  Why IS that?  I wonder about The Universe having a Plan.  
What the hell IS it?  Then I take stock of things - I'll leave the greater plan part to The Universe. Did I have a plan? For myself?  Given the circumstances in which I now find myself - Did I know what I was going to do with my life? What was I going to do? The time in which I have - for now - been given?  
I wish I could look you straight in the eye and answer confidently as a beauty pageant contestant who was thoroughly prepared like a winning race-horse :
"I plan to work towards the achievement of...World Peace."   Applause would thunder and ring in my ears, and as that died down I would add - I likewise plan go back to University and become a rocket scientist! More applause would be heard and as the crowd goes wild - I would smile knowing I'd be a shoe-in for Miss Universe Micro-Edition, since I'm not statuesque enough to actually even as a joke *think* of becoming a contender for any beauty contests.
But seriously now. DO I, have a plan for myself?
No I don't, really. At least nothing specific at this point. I plan to continue writing. That's one. I plan to catch up on my reading and enjoying time with my family and friends. Maybe have a doughnut or two, toss in some cotton candy and a can of Pepsi while I'm at it. And for right now, that's all right. There is, of course, the quest for a more sustainable and financially rewarding Career that will ensure that I don't end up sleeping out on the pavement - the specifics of which can be kept out of this discussion since that's an ongoing endeavor. There is also, in the works, a second blog, which will be devoted solely to my experience of someone who is living with Lupus.  A site that aside from being a way for me to deal with having this ailment, (yes, I still have days when I think I haven't fully come to terms with having SLE a.k.a. Systemic Lupus Erythematosus - after almost 7 years!), but I also want to help others who have the same (or similar) condition realize that there are alternative ways of looking at the situation other than being really, really, really sad about getting it.  It will be for those who HAVE SLE, and those who know people who have it - give people a sneak-peek into what it is like, how it feels, what it is, what it can do to you and those you love. No, Lupus is not contagious, but having it can inevitably affect those around you - if only because they care about you and wish they could make things better.
Note: Sometimes there is precious little that can be done apart from medication, awareness, understanding and TLC. (i guess it is the same for most chronic illnesses, isn't it?) I must say though, I'm glad that the life expectancy for people with Lupus is much longer nowadays compared to when they were diagnosing people 10-20 years ago! How much time are we looking at here?  Hmmm.  A Long Time. I bet the dinosaurs didn't expect that they were one day going to be extinct.  (Then again - I wonder if dinosaurs thought about anything beyond eating and being dinosaurs?) I digress - what was the point I was trying to make here?
I'm no dinosaur but I don't have any illusions about being immortal either, and neither should you, dear reader (ok, in my drug induced hubris, I am supposing someone is actually reading this! hahaha).
I've said it before in a previous essay that I wrote - you've got to Live - NOW.
Okay, you're allowed to sleep every now and then, but make the moments when you are awake count. Make them worthwhile. Do something you enjoy, help others when you can and when you can't try to BE there for those you care about. Be present, in the moment and be there for all that you are worth - and believe you me, you are worth a lot. We all are.  But even THAT is relative. ;-)
A cup can give just as much as a cup can give, a bucket can contain as much as a bucket can. Get to know yourself better, then like yourself, if there is something you find that you don't like, then do something about changing or improving on it.  
Learn what it is that you enjoy and do it (if you don't already do) - I suggest staying within what is realistic. I'd like to fly a jet and do loops around an air-control tower or man a giant robot and walk through a city sometimes but THAT isn't very realistic.  Find out what you are good at and get better at it.  
Just - DO something about something, anything. Except - give up.
We can, in our own ways find something to occupy ourselves with. 

It then becomes a matter of knowing what you want to invest enough energy into, determine if it is worth the time and if it is - then nothing can stop you (most of the time). There also has to be some sort of planning involved, I figured, but first we must know what we want to achieve, if anything. Even if it is as simple as - I want to learn to make French Toast.  So - learn to make The Best French Toast EVER.      It need not be a grand thing, sometimes it's just getting out of bed and being nice to the people around you, getting to work on time or meeting your deadline so you don't hold up the rest of your co-workers with theirs if your input depends on it.  Sometimes it means committing to and sticking with an exercise or diet program.  Anything.  But put yourself fully into it or not at all.  All in all, I know this is all easier said than done, and I may be accused of oversimplifying things - but that's just it - It feels like people have made things so complicated for themselves that living now becomes so complicated.       
Put your socks on before you wear your shoes. Simple. 
The Year is 2011.  There is again talk of the World Coming To An End in 2012 according to the Mayan Calendar (just as there was the hubbub about the 13th zodiac sign and that your sign may have shifted - but i'll leave THAT discussion for another time). The World is Ending AGAIN. Now. Either I'm jaded or I'm not as afraid this time around - maybe a tad more critical about it - WILL the world end next year?  Do I comfort myself with No, The World won't end for a long time yet, matagal pa yan. But another voice, less sure inside me goes - but what if it does? I waver. Back to The Human Heart. Beyond what you can see, what doctors and books can tell you about it, let me say something it can do for you - it can see you through tough times.  It can help you withstand pain you thought impossible and overcome what you thought insurmountable odds. You'd be surprised. Okay. there will be times you might think yourself crazy - don't worry, I've been diagnosed bipolar (so that puts me in the "crazy" category already, doesn't it?) and it isn't THAT bad being crazy - just don't skip your medication. hahaha. Crazy just gets bad press. But! As they say, good press, bad press, is still press - so make the best lemonade out of the lemons you've been given! In THIS case, the lemons are actually a basketful of clichés, 
so sue me.
They say everything is relative. Time is relative. You've only got as much time as you need. I'm reminding myself that we've ALL been given the same 24 hours in a day, 365 days a year.  
Three words here: Proper Time Management.
During this time, I hope I don't give up, and if anyone else out there is reading this - I trust YOU won't either - because if you did, then who else would read this blog???  
I am reminded of and want to end this entry with a poem: 
                                        Invictus  

William Ernest Henley. 1849-1903  OUT of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

The clocks keep ticking. (yes, there IS more than one, choose your own)
LET'S DO THIS.
*Rock & Roll*

photo from google search thank you! :)

Walking The Fine Line

Had a doctor's appointment today. Nothing major, just the usual de riguer check up.
One of the reasons I am not very diligent about doctor's appointments is I don't enjoy the wait, which seems interminable, especially if it feels like you are waiting in a meat-locker, minus the meat and with freezing appendages to boot. I don't play video games, don't own a PSP and forgot to bring a book. Sigh.
At some point, I got to see the doctor, thankfully before the beast in my stomach made seriously menacing growling sounds, and here's the rundown:
My blood pressure remains a tad lower than the good doctor is used to and she checks thrice just to be certain. My mom sits with  me thru the course of the consult and this is how the conversation went
(more or less):
Doc: Hmmm. Your BP is still low ha, 60/90.
Mom: Mababa pa rin yon doc, di ba? (That's still low isn't it, doc?)
Doc: Well, she's always had low blood pressure (recalling previous visits)
Mom: Ano ba yung delicado 50-50? (what's the dangerous point? 50/50?)
I had to stifle a laugh - wondering if my mom realizes how funny that question sounded.
The conversation ends with:
Doc: Well, depends on the patient, as long as they are able to walk without passing out, even if their bp is low, then its okay.
Each day we find ourselves able to wake up and get through another day is an amazing thing. I think I forget that sometimes, okay, I forget that a lot. But now that I'm on the topic, let me go on.
Amazing. Incredible!
I have to remember I've got a 50/50 chance.
At being good or being better.
At being snappish or just holding my tongue when I am annoyed.
At getting up and doing something 'useful' with my time or just laying in bed and staring at the ceiling.
At pushing forward through sheer willpower or just giving up just at the thought of having to face another day.
There also is - a fine line they say, between genius and insanity. (I know a few people who are so brilliant, it seems they have crossed and re-crossed this line many times over)
I teeter along this fine line each day, that much I am sure of  - my vision and sense of balance making me believe that I'm sane on most days although I can't really say for sure.
I've got the rest of the afternoon before heading to The Sticks. Time to water the plants, type out some write-ups and fix the stuff I've to cart off for storage in the bigger space in Laguna. Oh, and wouldn't you know it?
I still have time to check email, youtube & Facebook!  Weekends are fun!
P.S.
I learned something new today - Alexander The Great, Napoleon Bonaparte, Joan of Arc, Vincent Van Gogh & Danny Glover all have Epilepsy. (in the case of the aforementioned four individuals had epilepsy if we must be specific haha)
P.P.S.
The doctor ordered blood tests again - but I need not worry about that till March. So. All good, I have until then to keep enough blood in my system to keep my heart beating.
Pass the chips and Pepsi, please.
Let's rock!

HeyYouLittleCat

Miiiiiiiidniiiiight...Not a sound from the paaaaaaaaaaaaveeeeemeeeent....
Has the moon lost her mem'ry....She is...where IS Pusa?  Still no sign of the orange cat, but HeyYouLittleCat a.k.a. HeyYou has made his appearance...

HeyYou

After making a meal of a chicken wing I kept aside for him, the kitten made himself comfortable and sat with me for a few. Still no sign of Pusa.  I refuse to think too much about where she really might be and hold fast to the idea of Causality.  No connection between the disturbing sound I heard last night and Pusa's absence. None. My mom says people here would not dare do anything rash given that they know I'm likely to report any incident that involves animal abuse, cruelty or torture. Sigh.  Whatever. 
Tomorrow morning, I've a doctor's appointment, Wee! Not.  Well, I don't expect it to be SO bad, since it's only a check up. I am not thinking that the doctor will require a whole battery of blood tests like the last time, and even if she does, likely that it can wait until my next check-up. I'm even confident that my blood pressure (which has been low over the last few months) would have inched its way up by now, given the amount of salty food that I've been taking - yes, what a convenient excuse! Haha.
The weekend will see me heading off to The Sticks (Victoria, Laguna) where we keep a house tucked away at the end of a paved road going to nowhere - okay, I've been told it goes off into the Laguna Lake somewhere, to be truthful about it, but I have personally never ventured further than the gates of the house to really know that for sure. I'll take them at their word on this. :-)
Not that I haven't a sense of adventure. I just get...Lazy.  And during the time that they went beyond the gates, I was not well enough to actually walk very far.  I think though, had my Mini-Schnauzer Gustav not gone to Doggie Heaven so soon, He and I would take the walk to the end of the road. Now I'm just not in the mood to even contemplate it.
However! Being out in the sticks will allow me writing time - which - Seems easier there, somehow - the quiet, the ambience, surrounded by trees, a cooler breeze (read: No neighbors belting horrible Videoke at 9 freakin' o'clock in the morning! I kid you not.  If more people were as punctual at work than my neighbors are at Videoke time, this country would be more progressive. Okay, it will take more than punctuality to make this country a better place, but...Let's not go there right now. haha)
I don't know now if this post counts as the daily post for Saturday, since it IS early Saturday morning, and I expect I shan't be able to post as frequently during the week that I'm out in the sticks. Let's wait and see.
In the meantime, Pusa is probably sipping a Strawbery Margarita by a pool somewhere, with her paws up, being served foie gras and caviar with fresh milk in a golden bowl. Let's hope so.
As for HeyYou, it is an evening's respite. Safe.  Alive. For now.

HeyYou @ rest

No Sign can be a Bad Sign...

We all, at some point have heard or said "No News is Good News".
Not so in this case.
I'm afraid the feline friends have met a most unfortunate end.

Pusa  & HeyYou (the kitten)

I know and have re-read the Wikipedia definition of Causality in order to calm my nerves - less stressful on my liver compared to popping a fourth of my anti-anxiety pill.  So far, it isn't working as well as a pill would.
It was extra laborious to roll out of bed today.  But hey! I got up and out of bed and even managed to shower already! wow, major feat for the day, accomplished.  Now I've to go over and work on write-ups for a jewelry site.
It's something my mom has been busy with - wired jewelry - and considering I'm not into the frills, i think the designs are quite fantastic!  
working on the descriptions for the various pieces as the photos have been uploaded already.  you can check out :  

http://silverboxtreasures.weebly.com/index.html

I've still to continue on the write ups as I'm figuring out which pieces are made of what healing crystal, be sure to check back and visit as the information is updated!  Yes, each piece is made by hand! 
here are samples: 

Turquoise & Shale paired set

rainbow chips, paired set

My fine-motor skills and hand eye coordination isn't worth its salt when it comes to making these pieces... I can only play billiards and manage a game of Bejeweled - so I am fascinated how the beads and wire turn into works that look so pretty!  I've tried to sit and watch her do these projects, but nothing sinks in, apart from the - how do you figure out which bead goes where? and how do you secure the necklace?  In other words, it's simpler to just order the jewelry than to make it myself. haha.  *shameless plug*

Rose Quartz Bracelet with stainless accent

Tiger Eye Chips with Tumblestone Accent

Now, back to what has been bothering me today.  
There seems to me, an air of emptiness at the Fire Escape today.  Strange what a difference not having the strays around makes.  I suppose you could say, it was something I got used to - having them loitering whilst I drank my afternoon (or evening) coffee. Hmmmmm. Odd.
Last night, HeyYou was still there.  Today, neither cat were in attendance. Something is amiss, I tell you! I feel like a tree falling in the woods with no one there to hear the sound of it.  
I should really get to those jewelry write-ups now...but first...
I'm taking a pill. 

Photo for the Day

taken from an article in tinybuddha.com
"Dublin St. Art & Grafitti" Be Kind by informatique on Flikr

Dealing With It - a repost from a note I made on Facebook. Timely reminder.

early morning sky in Bagasbas, Daet, Camarines Norte, May 2010

by Babs Montalban on Sunday, September 5, 2010 at 2:25pm

Life does not have end when you are diagnosed with an illness. At least in most cases, not right away.

There will certainly be changes - often major, especially if the malady happens to be either seriously life threatening, require immediate medical treatment/hospital confinement or something you’ll have to live with for the rest of your days.

We aren’t talking here about the common cold, the irritating cough, or the flu  (which, incidentally, when you have makes you  *feel* like you are nearly at death’s door.)

I’m  talking about   the more – “serious” medical conditions that we hear about once in a while or know someone who has it, has been diagnosed with it – and it’s usually extremely life threatening, life changing and in many cases – fatal.  Dis-ease, as I’d like to call it, can be a tricky business to deal with.

If what ails you involves pain – then it would be a gift to have an extra store of patience and positivity because It’s difficult to be friendly, patient or “nice all the time” if you are “in pain all the time.  It isn’t easy – but it is do-able, I suppose it just takes practice. A LOT of practice. That or a really effective pain pill. (try to avoid this to lessen stress on your liver)

There are the usual suspects– the ones that strike a chord of fear and elicit extreme sadness when heard as an official diagnosis:  Cancer, HIV-AIDS, Diabetes, Emphysema.  There are the less commonly heard of by some – and are often not understood as much, such as – Systemic Lupus Erythematosus (SLE) or Lupus for short,  Fibromyalgia, Endometriosis, Dermatomyositis, Trigeminal Neuralgia (Trigeminal what???) and of course, there remains a very long, long list of things that could be not quite right with one’s state of health  - ranging from a chronic migraine or a cough that won’t go away (which could be symptoms of a more serious condition. Not to be alarmist, but if you experience any “less than healthy symptoms” for more than a week, please, please consult a doctor just to rule out anything that could still be addressed and treated, if not - cured.  Included in the list of dis-eases are the psychological ones – depression, bi-polar syndrome, and the like, as well as conditions such as Autism, AD-HD (Attention Deficit-Hyperactive Disorder, Cerebral Palsy and on and on.

Yes, prevention is better than cure, so a healthy lifestyle is always good to maintain.  Mea culpa here, because I’m not saying MY lifestyle choices in the past (and even in the present) are the best they can be.  But to those of you who are currently in – “the Pink of health” please remember to be thankful and not take it for granted.

Allow me to get back to the point of all this rambling.

Life does not have to end just because the doctor says you have something that  has no known cure, is chronic – which means you’ll have it for a long time or for the rest of your days - or worse – fatal.

It is especially during this time when you are called to step up to the plate and do whatever you can to maximize your remaining potentials.  And believe me – there are many still.  Even if at the very least, it is to get treatment.

Sure. Grieve, but don’t wallow in self pity or start worrying about “those who you will be leaving behind” Yes, these are all things to consider – but please don’t let it paralyze you into a state of total dysfunction.  It doesn’t seem acceptable to just take the diagnosis and say - ok, that’s it – GAME OVER.

The game isn’t over for as long as you are still breathing.

It is a time to hope and have a sense of belief (if some would prefer – faith?) that things will be okay.  That even if you feel like throwing a fit, cursing the heavens and The Powers That Be that - THIS IS NOT FAIR! LIFE IS NOT FAIR! Let’s face it - you must play the hand that you are dealt.  If you are extra fortunate, you won’t have problems financially dealing with treatments, if you aren’t so lucky – then maybe there will always be those who have hearts (and pockets) big enough to give you the help you need.  It won’t hurt to ask and oftentimes, any little bit helps.

It is a time to look around and realize how lucky you are to have people around you who will care, who will not shun you out of fear or not fully understanding your medical condition.  It is a time to start living, and I mean REALLY, living.

As someone who has been coping with Lupus Cerebritis  - this means the part of my body affected by the Lupus is my brain, as opposed to other parts such as the kidney, the liver, the lungs, the skin or the heart– I've considered myself quite fortunate.  Sure, it sucks, and there are days I wished that I didn't make it to the hospital in time prior to diagnosis, but hey! I’m still here! There has to be a reason for that.

It took a while for it to register when the diagnosis was given to me in 2004.  It took an even shorter time for it to sink in that, The Universe must love me because the doctor said: “Given the state you were in, had you been brought to the hospital a day later, you would have had an aneurysm and died. My brain froze and said – WHOA! Can you say that again? And WHAT is it that I have?  My mind both blank yet racing  - I ask – am I contagious?  NO. so I heave a sigh of relief.  It wasn’t till much later, as I had to stay in the hospital and got to know more about what my type of Lupus was about that I began to realize  - okay, this isn’t very funny.  This isn’t funny at all.

So I was depressed for a while – like for a whole year “a while” But strangely enough – one way I’ve learned to cope with having Lupus is to keep my sense of humor.  I’m not always very successful, and often make myself the butt of less than funny jokes, but hey! To each his or her own, right?I

I have been very blessed (and loved by The Universe) to be surrounded and gifted with so many individuals who  understand, try to understand, ask  if they don’t understand, or simply try to just be there for me despite everything.  I have both Lupus Cerebritis and am Bi-Polar as a result of this.  I also have   (at the ripe old age of 39) Rheumatoid Arthritis and Fibromyalgia. Fuuuuun.  Sometimes I wonder why I couldn’t have just won the mega-sweepstakes lottery instead?! (then I realize, I never really buy the tickets for those things, haha)

I am on medication to prevent clots in my brain, medication for pain management, medication for mood stabilization – which I’ve been pretty diligent about. I refuse to let my having Lupus stop me from experiencing life.  By the way – I LOVE taking public transportation!  (although I still manage to and actually drive)

I admit, this isn’t the best party I’ve ever attended by far. But! The Party Continues!  Sure, it’s difficult to get up in the morning, ok, so I can barely open a bottle of soda or twist open a door knob, fine that I can’t ever hope to get a proper tan and sunbathe (people with Lupus must avoid being under direct sunlight because the UV rays may and will trigger what is called a “flare” – in minor cases this involves an increase in pain, a fever or at the worst case a trip – and a few days – at the hospital. WooHoo! No thank you.

But there remain bigger things.  There are people who have it worse than me. 

I’m not boasting. I am being thankful.

I am glad I am still able to get around (although sometimes with the aid of a cane but on most days, you can’t really tell there is anything wrong with me. (note: THANK YOU FOR THE INVENTION OF PAIN MEDICATION!!!)

There is still so much that needs to be done – so much more that needs to be learned, so many more people to meet, lives to touch, things to improve, things to enjoy. The little miracles pass by without being noticed because I’m worried about so many other things that, at the end of the day, might not even matter that much.

There are those who have no homes to call their own, no security of tenure, of not knowing where their next meal is coming from, or if they will ever know a time when they don’t have to go to sleep on an empty stomach, kids who want to, but cannot go to school due to poor support from the government or general poverty; so many who have disappeared without a trace just because they were asking for what is truly theirs, or at least, what they are entitled to.

There isn’t escaping the ugliness around us, but I think we can find ways (no matter how small) to do what we can to make the world we live in a better place.

Help those who you think you can.

Find ways to reach out to those who might be too shy, say hello when someone says “Hi” even if you don’t know them. *(not recommended when experienced in a dark, empty street or alley though)

Look around and beyond ourselves for a moment and take the time to look into other people’s eyes.

Check in on a friend once in a while out of the “ever busy schedule without thinking  24 hours in a day is just not enough!”  We all get the same amount of time.  It is what we do with that time that matters.

Smile more.

Laugh more.

If you love someone, or like them, let them know in whatever way you can manage to. While you still can.

It’s a waste of precious time not to, because by the time you remember to do something about anything, it might be too late.

Get to know yourself better and figure out what really matters to you and see about doing something towards that end.

If you know of someone who has some medical condition, it’s perfectly fine to ask them about it on most occasions, and in others – there is always the internet. 

Point is. 

Educate yourself and get to know more about the people in your life.  About - the state of the nation in which you live.  At the very least – be aware of what’s going on around you.

With all that everyone needs to deal with constantly such as the mundane tasks of paying bills or getting to work, or finding a job.

Never forget you are lucky to be ALIVE.

I have to remind myself that a lot, so I have the inventors of Post-It to thank.. haha.

Yes, life doesn’t feel fair sometimes, but it isn’t terribly bad all the time.

Deal with it.

Because you can.

Believe it.

Mabuhay!!!

P.S.

I am writing this a a Thank You to all who continue to remain positive, and never fail to support causes that matter, people that can't help themselves but remain hopeful, people who love without condition and with full (if not very well attempted) understanding, and those who keep in mind to take the time to truly - LIVE.  My love and respect to you all. Maraming, Maraming Salamat Po!