Oh, that's right! It's 2012!

I have been remiss.

My last entry was the beginning of the fourth quarter of 2011 and since then, it appears that life has gotten in the way of my blogging habit.

ok. excuses, excuses.

I must say though, I've been doing my best to keep up with life and the demands that come with it. The fun, not so fun, stressful, exhilarating, awesome, sometimes dreary, often interminable, but always engaging experience of simply being alive.

I've also been kept busy by the demands of raising a persistent puppy - a Yorkshire Terrier named Logan. Many days I firmly believe he is actually a Monk-eroo (a cross between a monkey and a kangaroo) I don't ever recall Tiger (mom's 14, soon to be 15 year old Yorkie) being quite as playful. But my days are full.

I also, as of late, have not been feeling as tip-top as in the early parts of 2011. No cause for alarm, I suppose it is just the course of the dis-ease running right along with me.

2012 has been good so far, I have several things I'd like to share on my blog which we can hope I will get to posting soon.

I just need to dust off the cobwebs in my brain and get my act together.

New friends, new plans, new habits, new experiences.

It was an exciting end of the year and a most intriguing start for another chapter in life.

Life remains good, The Universe is still working things out in our favor (yes, believe it or not!) and I have every intention of having a fantastic year ahead.

Keep me company, it'll be fun!

Rock & Roll people,Rock & Roll!!!

Mabuhay!

And the beat goes on...

Maybe Alanis Morissette says it best - it IS Ironic.

One has to constantly work at being positive and practice mindfulness.
Just when you've got yourself convinced that life is golden, and that everything is
perfect something comes up to make all that positivity go black like a burned out light bulb.
The moment of epiphany quickly turns into a dark room with no windows in sight.

It is just so easy to slip into a destructive, non-productive frame of mind that makes it seem that living is so difficult.

Being alive can feel so...deathly tiring.

You live, you learn. Sometimes the hard way more often than not. You've usually got post-it notes taped in the most conspicuous spots, the bathroom mirror, by the computer, on the wall by your bed - notes that are part of the "landscape" of your everyday life that you end up not noticing they are even there. Then you might as well take down the scraps of colored paper littered around you.

Life doesn't stop till you're dead. You can either bitch about that, or just get on with the business of living and just take it a day at a time.

There is always someone who is having a harder (more boring, more tiring, more stressful, more drawn out, more challenging) life. It's all about perspective - and when you're down in the dumps, feeling like you're lying in the gutter all by your lonesome, if we stop the pitying ourselves long enough, you will look around and notice that - it's crowded down here in the gutter of hopelessness.

I often hear - Life isn't fair! Well, who says we deserve for it to be anything but?
Life is a challenge, an adventure that we either face as intrepid adventurers or miserable wayfayrers.

Choose.

Life is what we make it.

The glass is always either half empty or full - it is the fool who has a more determined point of view that makes a happier fool. Does that make any sense at all?

Let's take that example. A glass of water (or Pepsi). To someone who doesn't like soda - to see the glass as half empty might be a relief if they are *required* by some twisted rule - to FINISH the soda. To someone who is thirsty and has no other drink available, half a glass is not enough, so they'll take what they can as quickly as they can.

So which is better now? Half empty or half full?

Perspective, darlings, that's what it's all about.

When I feel so overwhelmed, I take a step back from everything and just - do nothing.
Re-assess where I'm at and how I truly feel about things, and try to take a good look at the state of my life at the moment.

Things could always be better, but there doesn't seem much sense in complaining.

Acknowledge your lot in life, and make the best of what you've got.

I told a friend today that even negative feelings can best be dealt with by just letting the feeling sit with you. Identify, Acknowledge, wallow if you must (but not for too long), and move on.

Keep moving.

You're alive, be glad that you are.

Things can and will get better.

Believe it.

Life is good, regardless of the circumstance... The Universe Has A Plan, that's what I'm sayin'!

It's All About Trust.

No, I don't mean the contraceptive - (In the Philippines, there is a condom brand called Trust).  I'm talking about TRUST as a noun and as a verb. 
The archaic usage being - reliability.
There are many days (for me, more than I care to acknowledge) when I wonder if my saying that "The Universe Has A Plan" is really just something to make me feel better about things that aren't so great in life.  There is a near constant dialogue in my head about the wisdom of my choices, the veracity of my intentions and the sanity of my logic. (the last one, worries me most of all, but so far, I'm fairly calm about it)
I haven't been able to really post anything for longer than I had intended because I was adjusting to one of the medications I've had to take for BiPolar Syndrome.  I've noticed that, some people are surprised or at least maybe even a little taken aback by the mention of the word, much less the discovery that they are talking to someone who IS BiPolar.
Well - I've gotten used to the surprise that some people express when they find out I have Lupus, so the mild astonishment that sometimes comes with the term BiPolar isn't all too unsettling for me anymore.  Same old, same old.
But, back to Trust.  I like it more than the word Hope, which, although has merits all its own, I usually prefer to use the word - trust.
It takes a lot of it for me to get through the day - to survive the inevitable gremlin of doubt that sits on my shoulder and whispers sweet uncertainties in my ear when I sit still long enough to let it get to me.  Most days - I just keep moving in order not to "hear" anything.
There are glorious moments when I go through hour after hour with the certainty of the brave (and possibly blissfully ignorant) and all seems right in my world.  But those are the times when I think my level of trust is at its highest.
Trust in what?  Trust in people, in the innate goodness of others, in the thinking that in all the bad news that is on television these days - there is still a lot of good in the world, and a lot more to be thankful about despite the unpleasantness that surrounds us.  Trust that The Universe DOES have a plan, and I just need to keep believing that.
I have days when pain gets the better of me and it becomes difficult to even stand up (this is when my being stubborn helps, haha) because - as challenging as it can be to simply get up and out of bed - I will anyway; and days when as morbid as it sounds, I am actually dismayed to find out that I made it through the night.  
But - I generally think things are always better in the morning, so this morbid thought evaporates fairly rapidly, especially after I've had my cup of coffee, and if that doesn't work, a Pepsi always helps improve my mood. =)
Life is always a series of choices which, in turn leads to a slew of consequences, for good or ill.      Sometimes the most I can hope for is that the choices I make are the best ones at the time - which, might be the most anyone can hope for perhaps?
I do not have a predisposition towards the maudlin, but lately I've been more easily given to sentimentality and a fragile sort of mood. (Did I hear someone say - it's time to bring up the dosage of the medication? haha) However, all is not as bleak as it sounds.  All it takes is a good day with the least amount of physical discomfort (or a whole lot of Pepsi, and maybe some chips to go with it) to make the world a better place for me.  Yes, things aren't always perfect, nothing is - but with the right frame of mind - everything can be bearable, even a perfectly horrible day. Gee, I wonder if that even made sense? hee!
I've started to watch this tv series - Fringe - which among other things,  brings up the possibility, nay - the very existence - of: A Parallel Universe.  (excuse my escapist tendencies here, but I seem to have a very high capacity for Suspension of Disbelief) haha.
Well, in my flights of fancy I'd say - in a Parallel Universe, I don't have Lupus, am not Bipolar and I know how to cook really, really well.  Okay. Back to THIS Universe, Babs. Pronto.
There are many many reasons for me to be grateful for the life I have now, family, friends and the very idea that I'M STILL HERE!!! Should be on the top of that list.
I'd like to thank everyone in my Universe who make my being alive a worthwhile experience -  despite my physical discomfort, despite my sleepless nights, despite the many odds and ends of having to deal with living with a chronic medical condition. It's all good still. Always.
I *trust* that The Universe HAS a plan, and I hope I don't stop believing it does, even if I don't know *exactly* what that plan might be at the moment.
In the meantime, I have to remember to just show up, and be present. 
Plan ahead when I can, but take each day at a time. 
Life is here, it's happening - this is not a drill. Let's rock & roll!
Mabuhay!

P.S. 
Here is an interesting link I read today...
http://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/authors/thanissaro/lifeisnt.html

Dealing With It - a repost from a note I made on Facebook. Timely reminder.

early morning sky in Bagasbas, Daet, Camarines Norte, May 2010

by Babs Montalban on Sunday, September 5, 2010 at 2:25pm

Life does not have end when you are diagnosed with an illness. At least in most cases, not right away.

There will certainly be changes - often major, especially if the malady happens to be either seriously life threatening, require immediate medical treatment/hospital confinement or something you’ll have to live with for the rest of your days.

We aren’t talking here about the common cold, the irritating cough, or the flu  (which, incidentally, when you have makes you  *feel* like you are nearly at death’s door.)

I’m  talking about   the more – “serious” medical conditions that we hear about once in a while or know someone who has it, has been diagnosed with it – and it’s usually extremely life threatening, life changing and in many cases – fatal.  Dis-ease, as I’d like to call it, can be a tricky business to deal with.

If what ails you involves pain – then it would be a gift to have an extra store of patience and positivity because It’s difficult to be friendly, patient or “nice all the time” if you are “in pain all the time.  It isn’t easy – but it is do-able, I suppose it just takes practice. A LOT of practice. That or a really effective pain pill. (try to avoid this to lessen stress on your liver)

There are the usual suspects– the ones that strike a chord of fear and elicit extreme sadness when heard as an official diagnosis:  Cancer, HIV-AIDS, Diabetes, Emphysema.  There are the less commonly heard of by some – and are often not understood as much, such as – Systemic Lupus Erythematosus (SLE) or Lupus for short,  Fibromyalgia, Endometriosis, Dermatomyositis, Trigeminal Neuralgia (Trigeminal what???) and of course, there remains a very long, long list of things that could be not quite right with one’s state of health  - ranging from a chronic migraine or a cough that won’t go away (which could be symptoms of a more serious condition. Not to be alarmist, but if you experience any “less than healthy symptoms” for more than a week, please, please consult a doctor just to rule out anything that could still be addressed and treated, if not - cured.  Included in the list of dis-eases are the psychological ones – depression, bi-polar syndrome, and the like, as well as conditions such as Autism, AD-HD (Attention Deficit-Hyperactive Disorder, Cerebral Palsy and on and on.

Yes, prevention is better than cure, so a healthy lifestyle is always good to maintain.  Mea culpa here, because I’m not saying MY lifestyle choices in the past (and even in the present) are the best they can be.  But to those of you who are currently in – “the Pink of health” please remember to be thankful and not take it for granted.

Allow me to get back to the point of all this rambling.

Life does not have to end just because the doctor says you have something that  has no known cure, is chronic – which means you’ll have it for a long time or for the rest of your days - or worse – fatal.

It is especially during this time when you are called to step up to the plate and do whatever you can to maximize your remaining potentials.  And believe me – there are many still.  Even if at the very least, it is to get treatment.

Sure. Grieve, but don’t wallow in self pity or start worrying about “those who you will be leaving behind” Yes, these are all things to consider – but please don’t let it paralyze you into a state of total dysfunction.  It doesn’t seem acceptable to just take the diagnosis and say - ok, that’s it – GAME OVER.

The game isn’t over for as long as you are still breathing.

It is a time to hope and have a sense of belief (if some would prefer – faith?) that things will be okay.  That even if you feel like throwing a fit, cursing the heavens and The Powers That Be that - THIS IS NOT FAIR! LIFE IS NOT FAIR! Let’s face it - you must play the hand that you are dealt.  If you are extra fortunate, you won’t have problems financially dealing with treatments, if you aren’t so lucky – then maybe there will always be those who have hearts (and pockets) big enough to give you the help you need.  It won’t hurt to ask and oftentimes, any little bit helps.

It is a time to look around and realize how lucky you are to have people around you who will care, who will not shun you out of fear or not fully understanding your medical condition.  It is a time to start living, and I mean REALLY, living.

As someone who has been coping with Lupus Cerebritis  - this means the part of my body affected by the Lupus is my brain, as opposed to other parts such as the kidney, the liver, the lungs, the skin or the heart– I've considered myself quite fortunate.  Sure, it sucks, and there are days I wished that I didn't make it to the hospital in time prior to diagnosis, but hey! I’m still here! There has to be a reason for that.

It took a while for it to register when the diagnosis was given to me in 2004.  It took an even shorter time for it to sink in that, The Universe must love me because the doctor said: “Given the state you were in, had you been brought to the hospital a day later, you would have had an aneurysm and died. My brain froze and said – WHOA! Can you say that again? And WHAT is it that I have?  My mind both blank yet racing  - I ask – am I contagious?  NO. so I heave a sigh of relief.  It wasn’t till much later, as I had to stay in the hospital and got to know more about what my type of Lupus was about that I began to realize  - okay, this isn’t very funny.  This isn’t funny at all.

So I was depressed for a while – like for a whole year “a while” But strangely enough – one way I’ve learned to cope with having Lupus is to keep my sense of humor.  I’m not always very successful, and often make myself the butt of less than funny jokes, but hey! To each his or her own, right?I

I have been very blessed (and loved by The Universe) to be surrounded and gifted with so many individuals who  understand, try to understand, ask  if they don’t understand, or simply try to just be there for me despite everything.  I have both Lupus Cerebritis and am Bi-Polar as a result of this.  I also have   (at the ripe old age of 39) Rheumatoid Arthritis and Fibromyalgia. Fuuuuun.  Sometimes I wonder why I couldn’t have just won the mega-sweepstakes lottery instead?! (then I realize, I never really buy the tickets for those things, haha)

I am on medication to prevent clots in my brain, medication for pain management, medication for mood stabilization – which I’ve been pretty diligent about. I refuse to let my having Lupus stop me from experiencing life.  By the way – I LOVE taking public transportation!  (although I still manage to and actually drive)

I admit, this isn’t the best party I’ve ever attended by far. But! The Party Continues!  Sure, it’s difficult to get up in the morning, ok, so I can barely open a bottle of soda or twist open a door knob, fine that I can’t ever hope to get a proper tan and sunbathe (people with Lupus must avoid being under direct sunlight because the UV rays may and will trigger what is called a “flare” – in minor cases this involves an increase in pain, a fever or at the worst case a trip – and a few days – at the hospital. WooHoo! No thank you.

But there remain bigger things.  There are people who have it worse than me. 

I’m not boasting. I am being thankful.

I am glad I am still able to get around (although sometimes with the aid of a cane but on most days, you can’t really tell there is anything wrong with me. (note: THANK YOU FOR THE INVENTION OF PAIN MEDICATION!!!)

There is still so much that needs to be done – so much more that needs to be learned, so many more people to meet, lives to touch, things to improve, things to enjoy. The little miracles pass by without being noticed because I’m worried about so many other things that, at the end of the day, might not even matter that much.

There are those who have no homes to call their own, no security of tenure, of not knowing where their next meal is coming from, or if they will ever know a time when they don’t have to go to sleep on an empty stomach, kids who want to, but cannot go to school due to poor support from the government or general poverty; so many who have disappeared without a trace just because they were asking for what is truly theirs, or at least, what they are entitled to.

There isn’t escaping the ugliness around us, but I think we can find ways (no matter how small) to do what we can to make the world we live in a better place.

Help those who you think you can.

Find ways to reach out to those who might be too shy, say hello when someone says “Hi” even if you don’t know them. *(not recommended when experienced in a dark, empty street or alley though)

Look around and beyond ourselves for a moment and take the time to look into other people’s eyes.

Check in on a friend once in a while out of the “ever busy schedule without thinking  24 hours in a day is just not enough!”  We all get the same amount of time.  It is what we do with that time that matters.

Smile more.

Laugh more.

If you love someone, or like them, let them know in whatever way you can manage to. While you still can.

It’s a waste of precious time not to, because by the time you remember to do something about anything, it might be too late.

Get to know yourself better and figure out what really matters to you and see about doing something towards that end.

If you know of someone who has some medical condition, it’s perfectly fine to ask them about it on most occasions, and in others – there is always the internet. 

Point is. 

Educate yourself and get to know more about the people in your life.  About - the state of the nation in which you live.  At the very least – be aware of what’s going on around you.

With all that everyone needs to deal with constantly such as the mundane tasks of paying bills or getting to work, or finding a job.

Never forget you are lucky to be ALIVE.

I have to remind myself that a lot, so I have the inventors of Post-It to thank.. haha.

Yes, life doesn’t feel fair sometimes, but it isn’t terribly bad all the time.

Deal with it.

Because you can.

Believe it.

Mabuhay!!!

P.S.

I am writing this a a Thank You to all who continue to remain positive, and never fail to support causes that matter, people that can't help themselves but remain hopeful, people who love without condition and with full (if not very well attempted) understanding, and those who keep in mind to take the time to truly - LIVE.  My love and respect to you all. Maraming, Maraming Salamat Po!