Zombie Apocalypse, My Strange Obsession

To friends and family who may be concerned (or annoyed) by what seems to be an inordinate obsession with the Zombie Apocalypse, this note is for you.


Mornings are the most difficult for me.

Each day I wake up feeling like someone left a brick wall over me the night before.
Getting up on a daily basis proves to be an ordeal which requires careful consideration and an extra amount of willpower. The chronic pain that is part and parcel of having Lupus has not been the greatest party on earth –
if I could just wake feeling no pain whatsoever, then it would be a near miraculous morning.

One learns to live with the discomfort, but there are days when it just feels too challenging to simply sit up – good thing I don’t sleep soundly and wake up early, it gives me time to stare at the ceiling long enough to convince myself that moving my arms or stretching might be a good idea before I actually need to be up and out of bed.

There is a part of me that knows there will be NO Zombie Apocalypse – that I am more likely to perish from a stroke, heart or kidney failure than battling the undead with an appetite for human flesh and brain. The other voices in my head however, raise a ruckus and goad me to get moving and stretch my sore muscles just in case zombies do invade the country. One never knows, right? So I give in to the other voices for good measure.

The belief that I will actually be physically ready to deal with the Zombie Apocalypse is a dream that I nourish, coupled with a realistic assessment of my physical fitness (or lack thereof) as I figure out what weapon or mode of escape I can best make use of during the onslaught. I practice brandishing my cane like a baseball bat but realize it might be too flimsy to be any good, I keep at it anyway.

It gives me a purpose for getting up and out of bed and stretching the pain away from my body. I also have to get up to make sure that the dog gets his breakfast, but that is a different story. ;-)

In the midst of my fixation with this impending catastrophe, I still remember to look both ways before crossing the street or make sure I watch my step as I make my way down a tricky path or staircase. How can I expect to wield a weapon and use it if I can barely make my way out of anywhere?

Since there are many mornings that the soreness I feel in my joints cause me to walk like a zombie, I might just get away with ‘blending in' with the throng – but this will only work if I douse myself with blood and innards so I will not smell suspiciously alive – not an option I would like to actually have to take. (I saw this on an episode of The Walking Dead and this plan would, quite literally go down the drain if it starts to rain because the downpour would just wash my disguise clean off me.) I obviously need a better plan!

In the meantime, as I fool myself into thinking I’ve got a fighting chance of surviving the Apocalypse, I scour the Internet for stories and tips on how best to deal with zombies. I post photos and signs on Facebook that alternately points out and makes fun of the belief that the Zombie Apocalypse is indeed almost upon us. I remind friends that we’ve got to prepare ourselves by sharing news reports and write ups that have to do with possible zombie attacks.

So yes, it seems silly to worry about it given the many other problems that the country – and the rest of the world – seem to be dealing with at present but this is MY reality and how I choose to motivate myself to get thru another day riddled with painful joints or intermittent dizzy spells is my choice.

I make plans to meet friends, watch a movie or take the puppy out for some fresh air, I still do what most sane and rational people do for recreation – but this need I have to prepare fastidiously for Zombies invading the country just won’t go away.

It’s probably just a phase, but for now, it works. I just have one request = Walang basagan ng trip.*
(*don’t ruin my fun)

Mabuhay!!!

Reasons.

I woke up today.

Feeling every bit like I've been run over by a truck that lost its brakes, another day begins for me.

The pain I wake up to daily is something like a second skin, it is just - there.

Today is no different.

A reason to get up and out of bed is Logan staring up at me expectantly, waiting for me to fix his breakfast.

Must get moving.

I shuffle to the kitchen counter and fix a dish of dog food which is softened with water. I let it sit for a while. I make my coffee and brush my teeth while waiting for the coffeemaker to get done with my drink.

Another reason to keep moving is Logan wanting to play fetch.

He drops his ball at my feet and sits patiently while I slowly bend down to pick up the toy. *Throw*

He scurries off after the prize and runs back to me with the ball in his mouth.
*drops ball at my feet again*

I manage to toss the ball midway through the room where Logan zooms off after it.

I walk back to bed and slowly lie down again. I feel like death warmed over.

Logan jumps up on the bed, bounces off my legs and makes straight for my face.

A good reason to pull a pillow over my face to cover it.

Logan dives under the pillow to try to get a good nip at my ear.

A reason to roll to my side and snuggle deeper under the pillow.

I feel every movement like a scream and all the while I have a puppy waiting for me to give it a hug. I pick him up and cuddle the furry bundle of energy.

You don't notice pain as much when you have a little dog in your arms.

A quick time-check tells me the coffee should be done and Logan's breakfast should be ready as well.

I get up from bed as tediously as the first time and switch on the computer on my way back to the kitchen counter.

A reason to get up early is I don't need to rush too much before I begin work.

A reason to keep going is my coffee is ready and Logan's breakfast must be served.

I sit down at the computer, typing slowly and log in to begin my day's work.

A reason to work - buy more doughnuts, coffee and dog food.

I feel Logan lay down by my feet and drift off to sleep. I watch him settle into slumber like only a puppy can.

The pain I feel in every muscle where even my skin hurts is still there, but I've got a reason to get up today aside from work - there's a puppy named Logan expecting me to play when he wakes up from his nap.

For today, that is enough.

It's All About Trust.

No, I don't mean the contraceptive - (In the Philippines, there is a condom brand called Trust).  I'm talking about TRUST as a noun and as a verb. 
The archaic usage being - reliability.
There are many days (for me, more than I care to acknowledge) when I wonder if my saying that "The Universe Has A Plan" is really just something to make me feel better about things that aren't so great in life.  There is a near constant dialogue in my head about the wisdom of my choices, the veracity of my intentions and the sanity of my logic. (the last one, worries me most of all, but so far, I'm fairly calm about it)
I haven't been able to really post anything for longer than I had intended because I was adjusting to one of the medications I've had to take for BiPolar Syndrome.  I've noticed that, some people are surprised or at least maybe even a little taken aback by the mention of the word, much less the discovery that they are talking to someone who IS BiPolar.
Well - I've gotten used to the surprise that some people express when they find out I have Lupus, so the mild astonishment that sometimes comes with the term BiPolar isn't all too unsettling for me anymore.  Same old, same old.
But, back to Trust.  I like it more than the word Hope, which, although has merits all its own, I usually prefer to use the word - trust.
It takes a lot of it for me to get through the day - to survive the inevitable gremlin of doubt that sits on my shoulder and whispers sweet uncertainties in my ear when I sit still long enough to let it get to me.  Most days - I just keep moving in order not to "hear" anything.
There are glorious moments when I go through hour after hour with the certainty of the brave (and possibly blissfully ignorant) and all seems right in my world.  But those are the times when I think my level of trust is at its highest.
Trust in what?  Trust in people, in the innate goodness of others, in the thinking that in all the bad news that is on television these days - there is still a lot of good in the world, and a lot more to be thankful about despite the unpleasantness that surrounds us.  Trust that The Universe DOES have a plan, and I just need to keep believing that.
I have days when pain gets the better of me and it becomes difficult to even stand up (this is when my being stubborn helps, haha) because - as challenging as it can be to simply get up and out of bed - I will anyway; and days when as morbid as it sounds, I am actually dismayed to find out that I made it through the night.  
But - I generally think things are always better in the morning, so this morbid thought evaporates fairly rapidly, especially after I've had my cup of coffee, and if that doesn't work, a Pepsi always helps improve my mood. =)
Life is always a series of choices which, in turn leads to a slew of consequences, for good or ill.      Sometimes the most I can hope for is that the choices I make are the best ones at the time - which, might be the most anyone can hope for perhaps?
I do not have a predisposition towards the maudlin, but lately I've been more easily given to sentimentality and a fragile sort of mood. (Did I hear someone say - it's time to bring up the dosage of the medication? haha) However, all is not as bleak as it sounds.  All it takes is a good day with the least amount of physical discomfort (or a whole lot of Pepsi, and maybe some chips to go with it) to make the world a better place for me.  Yes, things aren't always perfect, nothing is - but with the right frame of mind - everything can be bearable, even a perfectly horrible day. Gee, I wonder if that even made sense? hee!
I've started to watch this tv series - Fringe - which among other things,  brings up the possibility, nay - the very existence - of: A Parallel Universe.  (excuse my escapist tendencies here, but I seem to have a very high capacity for Suspension of Disbelief) haha.
Well, in my flights of fancy I'd say - in a Parallel Universe, I don't have Lupus, am not Bipolar and I know how to cook really, really well.  Okay. Back to THIS Universe, Babs. Pronto.
There are many many reasons for me to be grateful for the life I have now, family, friends and the very idea that I'M STILL HERE!!! Should be on the top of that list.
I'd like to thank everyone in my Universe who make my being alive a worthwhile experience -  despite my physical discomfort, despite my sleepless nights, despite the many odds and ends of having to deal with living with a chronic medical condition. It's all good still. Always.
I *trust* that The Universe HAS a plan, and I hope I don't stop believing it does, even if I don't know *exactly* what that plan might be at the moment.
In the meantime, I have to remember to just show up, and be present. 
Plan ahead when I can, but take each day at a time. 
Life is here, it's happening - this is not a drill. Let's rock & roll!
Mabuhay!

P.S. 
Here is an interesting link I read today...
http://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/authors/thanissaro/lifeisnt.html

The Boys Are All Right

Considering I never really asked to have pet turtles - I have them anyway.  My mother got them for me during a time when I was asking for a pet iguana - I suppose turtles are slower and easier to catch?!  And considering pets aren't allowed at the place where we stay - it seemed like a more interesting choice over the usual fighting fishes that I used to have. (They have mostly gone off to the great aquarium in the sky now) I never really named these fishes, since I considered them my - 1st line of defense - it's morbid but, there is a belief that our pets sometimes "take the fall" for us, in the event that we are to suffer some major illness or worse. hmmm.. Everytime a fish would die, I'd tell my mom - I need more fish!! as if it was energy points in some video game and I'm extending my playing time. haha. Now. Here come the turtles.
There are two of them - the bigger one - I've named Sushi, and the smaller, more neurotic one, I have decided to call - Shogun.  They would either walk around the unit, or when it's feeding or sleeping time, stay in a big plastic tub in the bathroom.  A few months ago, my mom took them home to The Sticks, had a 'resort' made (Read: a small cement enclosure with rocks and a bowl filled with water) for them.  I hemmed and hawed over being separated from the two - as we have an ongoing love-hate relationship... I love being able to talk to them and have Sushi actually come towards me when I call him (he fancies himself a dog, I think?) while I hate having to search for and reach for Shogun under the furthest corner under the bed or couch where he decides to hide from prying eyes. I also don't particularly enjoy post-meal clean-ups, since goodness! It's a testing thing, cleaning up after turtles - and it isn't like you can potty-train them like dogs (or some cats).
Although I stay in the city and only visit the house in The Sticks every other weekend or so, my mom has enlisted the neighbor's help in feeding the boys and sweeping up the grounds around the house - to make sure the weeds don't get too high or snakes might decide to take permanent residence there! Eeee!
I was out in The Sticks last week. I noticed, a brighter shade of red in both the boys - they are Red Eared Slider turtles - the brighter the shade of red, the healthier they supposedly are. Seems they're thriving in their new habitat - which is good.  Sushi still remembers me, and Shogun seems less neurotic.  Win-win. They get fresh air, more sunlight now compared to when they were at the condo and more space to walk around in too - which is closer to a turtle's "natural" habitat.

In the soup?

Shogun, seems a whole lot less jittery now ever since the move. Sushi, still curious and intrepid as ever. It can be interesting having turtles as pets - I want to debunk the superstitious belief that allowing children to have turtles as pets makes them "slow" since, my speech hasn't been affected a whit by raising these two - I recall when I was much younger and my grandmother (Loly) found out that my mom got me turtles, she was tut-tutting that it isn't good for children to take care of turtles.  Okay, maybe I get a little dense sometimes, but I don't think the turtles are to blame for this deficiency. haha. 
Those turtles, I brought out to "play" with me, by the gutter of the sidewalk, and er, forgot to bring them back inside with me when I was called back into the house. What?! geez, I was, what? 8? Okay, okay, my bad. I bet they've found their way into the sewerage system and are now bigger than cars. Gee.
But - back to my current Terrapins (the technical and official term for turtles) I miss having them around, and wish they were still here with me, cooped up at the condo.  But it seems the transfer was a healthier option for them - because turtles also need to get some sun - i usually take them out to the Fire Escape with me, in the afternoons in their tub half-filled with water and allow them to "sunbathe". Can I morbidly say - Turtle Soup, anyone??? hee! NOT. But now, although their enclosure is in the shade, they still get more sun out in The Sticks than they ever would if they were here in the city with me. Even if I let them sun themselves in the afternoon, they'd develop a red rash underneath their carapace (that's what the shell is called) and that is an indicator that they aren't getting enough Vitamin D (which you get from sunlight...funny, I would've called it Vitamin S !?!)
My point in all this rambling? CHANGE CAN BE A GOOD THING.
Many people, myself included, resist change. We want what's familiar, we fear the unknowable future and try in vain to ignore the fact that change, is the only constant, and the only things you can be sure of are...wait for it...Death & Taxes. It's one thing to have Lupus, to have Arthritis at an age when I technically shouldn't be bothered by it for another 20-30 years or so, but hey, it's here. Deal with it, Babs. Each day isn't ever really the same except MY constant, is that, it involves pain. I've gotten used to it. You either accept it, or feel sorry for yourself, which, I figure, is useless and makes me feel even worse.
So - I've been stepping out of my comfort zone more and more, each day - a day at a time. I stretch more, drink more water and try to get to sleep earlier than my usual 'vampire hour' schedule - even if that means taking a pill that leaves me feeling like a stunned cow when I get up the next morning.
There are times when the change imposed upon is something we didn't ask for, or is beyond our control. You either resist this, or go with it. I vote for the latter. It's very possible that the new will bring with it better things and a more positive result than if I were to stick to the 'tried and true' (although that also has its merits in many cases)
I worried about the turtles being in a new and unfamiliar environment - and now I see it would have been selfish of me to keep them here when they seem so much better off where they are right now.

from L-R - Shogun & Sushi

I can't say for sure how things are going to unfold for me in 2011, (even with my limited understanding of Astrology - and since I'm not a fortune-teller) I can only try to anticipate possible influences and remain aware of my motivations and plan my days and weeks responsibly on a desk calendar. I can't guarantee that I'll be in the best of moods or in the best of health every single day, but I will do all I can to keep getting up each day, regardless of the urge to just stay lying down like a gigantic paperweight.  
The boys are all right...and I believe - I will be too.
*Rock & Roll*


Note: For those who are wondering where "The Sticks" is - it's our house in Victoria, Laguna. It's an hour and a half's drive from Manila, sometimes two, depending on the traffic.

Dealing With It - a repost from a note I made on Facebook. Timely reminder.

early morning sky in Bagasbas, Daet, Camarines Norte, May 2010

by Babs Montalban on Sunday, September 5, 2010 at 2:25pm

Life does not have end when you are diagnosed with an illness. At least in most cases, not right away.

There will certainly be changes - often major, especially if the malady happens to be either seriously life threatening, require immediate medical treatment/hospital confinement or something you’ll have to live with for the rest of your days.

We aren’t talking here about the common cold, the irritating cough, or the flu  (which, incidentally, when you have makes you  *feel* like you are nearly at death’s door.)

I’m  talking about   the more – “serious” medical conditions that we hear about once in a while or know someone who has it, has been diagnosed with it – and it’s usually extremely life threatening, life changing and in many cases – fatal.  Dis-ease, as I’d like to call it, can be a tricky business to deal with.

If what ails you involves pain – then it would be a gift to have an extra store of patience and positivity because It’s difficult to be friendly, patient or “nice all the time” if you are “in pain all the time.  It isn’t easy – but it is do-able, I suppose it just takes practice. A LOT of practice. That or a really effective pain pill. (try to avoid this to lessen stress on your liver)

There are the usual suspects– the ones that strike a chord of fear and elicit extreme sadness when heard as an official diagnosis:  Cancer, HIV-AIDS, Diabetes, Emphysema.  There are the less commonly heard of by some – and are often not understood as much, such as – Systemic Lupus Erythematosus (SLE) or Lupus for short,  Fibromyalgia, Endometriosis, Dermatomyositis, Trigeminal Neuralgia (Trigeminal what???) and of course, there remains a very long, long list of things that could be not quite right with one’s state of health  - ranging from a chronic migraine or a cough that won’t go away (which could be symptoms of a more serious condition. Not to be alarmist, but if you experience any “less than healthy symptoms” for more than a week, please, please consult a doctor just to rule out anything that could still be addressed and treated, if not - cured.  Included in the list of dis-eases are the psychological ones – depression, bi-polar syndrome, and the like, as well as conditions such as Autism, AD-HD (Attention Deficit-Hyperactive Disorder, Cerebral Palsy and on and on.

Yes, prevention is better than cure, so a healthy lifestyle is always good to maintain.  Mea culpa here, because I’m not saying MY lifestyle choices in the past (and even in the present) are the best they can be.  But to those of you who are currently in – “the Pink of health” please remember to be thankful and not take it for granted.

Allow me to get back to the point of all this rambling.

Life does not have to end just because the doctor says you have something that  has no known cure, is chronic – which means you’ll have it for a long time or for the rest of your days - or worse – fatal.

It is especially during this time when you are called to step up to the plate and do whatever you can to maximize your remaining potentials.  And believe me – there are many still.  Even if at the very least, it is to get treatment.

Sure. Grieve, but don’t wallow in self pity or start worrying about “those who you will be leaving behind” Yes, these are all things to consider – but please don’t let it paralyze you into a state of total dysfunction.  It doesn’t seem acceptable to just take the diagnosis and say - ok, that’s it – GAME OVER.

The game isn’t over for as long as you are still breathing.

It is a time to hope and have a sense of belief (if some would prefer – faith?) that things will be okay.  That even if you feel like throwing a fit, cursing the heavens and The Powers That Be that - THIS IS NOT FAIR! LIFE IS NOT FAIR! Let’s face it - you must play the hand that you are dealt.  If you are extra fortunate, you won’t have problems financially dealing with treatments, if you aren’t so lucky – then maybe there will always be those who have hearts (and pockets) big enough to give you the help you need.  It won’t hurt to ask and oftentimes, any little bit helps.

It is a time to look around and realize how lucky you are to have people around you who will care, who will not shun you out of fear or not fully understanding your medical condition.  It is a time to start living, and I mean REALLY, living.

As someone who has been coping with Lupus Cerebritis  - this means the part of my body affected by the Lupus is my brain, as opposed to other parts such as the kidney, the liver, the lungs, the skin or the heart– I've considered myself quite fortunate.  Sure, it sucks, and there are days I wished that I didn't make it to the hospital in time prior to diagnosis, but hey! I’m still here! There has to be a reason for that.

It took a while for it to register when the diagnosis was given to me in 2004.  It took an even shorter time for it to sink in that, The Universe must love me because the doctor said: “Given the state you were in, had you been brought to the hospital a day later, you would have had an aneurysm and died. My brain froze and said – WHOA! Can you say that again? And WHAT is it that I have?  My mind both blank yet racing  - I ask – am I contagious?  NO. so I heave a sigh of relief.  It wasn’t till much later, as I had to stay in the hospital and got to know more about what my type of Lupus was about that I began to realize  - okay, this isn’t very funny.  This isn’t funny at all.

So I was depressed for a while – like for a whole year “a while” But strangely enough – one way I’ve learned to cope with having Lupus is to keep my sense of humor.  I’m not always very successful, and often make myself the butt of less than funny jokes, but hey! To each his or her own, right?I

I have been very blessed (and loved by The Universe) to be surrounded and gifted with so many individuals who  understand, try to understand, ask  if they don’t understand, or simply try to just be there for me despite everything.  I have both Lupus Cerebritis and am Bi-Polar as a result of this.  I also have   (at the ripe old age of 39) Rheumatoid Arthritis and Fibromyalgia. Fuuuuun.  Sometimes I wonder why I couldn’t have just won the mega-sweepstakes lottery instead?! (then I realize, I never really buy the tickets for those things, haha)

I am on medication to prevent clots in my brain, medication for pain management, medication for mood stabilization – which I’ve been pretty diligent about. I refuse to let my having Lupus stop me from experiencing life.  By the way – I LOVE taking public transportation!  (although I still manage to and actually drive)

I admit, this isn’t the best party I’ve ever attended by far. But! The Party Continues!  Sure, it’s difficult to get up in the morning, ok, so I can barely open a bottle of soda or twist open a door knob, fine that I can’t ever hope to get a proper tan and sunbathe (people with Lupus must avoid being under direct sunlight because the UV rays may and will trigger what is called a “flare” – in minor cases this involves an increase in pain, a fever or at the worst case a trip – and a few days – at the hospital. WooHoo! No thank you.

But there remain bigger things.  There are people who have it worse than me. 

I’m not boasting. I am being thankful.

I am glad I am still able to get around (although sometimes with the aid of a cane but on most days, you can’t really tell there is anything wrong with me. (note: THANK YOU FOR THE INVENTION OF PAIN MEDICATION!!!)

There is still so much that needs to be done – so much more that needs to be learned, so many more people to meet, lives to touch, things to improve, things to enjoy. The little miracles pass by without being noticed because I’m worried about so many other things that, at the end of the day, might not even matter that much.

There are those who have no homes to call their own, no security of tenure, of not knowing where their next meal is coming from, or if they will ever know a time when they don’t have to go to sleep on an empty stomach, kids who want to, but cannot go to school due to poor support from the government or general poverty; so many who have disappeared without a trace just because they were asking for what is truly theirs, or at least, what they are entitled to.

There isn’t escaping the ugliness around us, but I think we can find ways (no matter how small) to do what we can to make the world we live in a better place.

Help those who you think you can.

Find ways to reach out to those who might be too shy, say hello when someone says “Hi” even if you don’t know them. *(not recommended when experienced in a dark, empty street or alley though)

Look around and beyond ourselves for a moment and take the time to look into other people’s eyes.

Check in on a friend once in a while out of the “ever busy schedule without thinking  24 hours in a day is just not enough!”  We all get the same amount of time.  It is what we do with that time that matters.

Smile more.

Laugh more.

If you love someone, or like them, let them know in whatever way you can manage to. While you still can.

It’s a waste of precious time not to, because by the time you remember to do something about anything, it might be too late.

Get to know yourself better and figure out what really matters to you and see about doing something towards that end.

If you know of someone who has some medical condition, it’s perfectly fine to ask them about it on most occasions, and in others – there is always the internet. 

Point is. 

Educate yourself and get to know more about the people in your life.  About - the state of the nation in which you live.  At the very least – be aware of what’s going on around you.

With all that everyone needs to deal with constantly such as the mundane tasks of paying bills or getting to work, or finding a job.

Never forget you are lucky to be ALIVE.

I have to remind myself that a lot, so I have the inventors of Post-It to thank.. haha.

Yes, life doesn’t feel fair sometimes, but it isn’t terribly bad all the time.

Deal with it.

Because you can.

Believe it.

Mabuhay!!!

P.S.

I am writing this a a Thank You to all who continue to remain positive, and never fail to support causes that matter, people that can't help themselves but remain hopeful, people who love without condition and with full (if not very well attempted) understanding, and those who keep in mind to take the time to truly - LIVE.  My love and respect to you all. Maraming, Maraming Salamat Po!