Not in the scientific, rational sense here, but - in the irrational, human sense. Time, becomes relatively slower for someone who is in pain or suffering, or bored, while for those who are euphoric, having fun or very busy - time is just going by too damned quick.
More time, less time - depends on who is talking, doesn't it?
The human heart is a tricky thing. Sure, at face value, when someone cuts up a person - physically - and gets to the heart, all we see are sinews of muscle, nerves and I would think, blood. Now, let's go beyond what you can see and touch - the heart - and how it works for us, besides the beating and pumping blood through your system part.
People are different - that's the way things are. Not just physically different, but the ways we have of coping with the same thing - might, essentially be the same, but never quite the same. Does that make any sense?
Well, since I'm writing this, it isn't like anyone can really answer that question for me right now, huh? So I will go on with my rambling.
There can't be a time-frame for feelings. Some people are able to contain and put away their feelings as quickly as an efficient flight attendant might stow luggage in the overhead cabin of an airplane. Some people have their feelings running rampant and awry that it's like their aura is a blaze of whatever emotion they might be feeling at any given time. There are also those who are able to give themselves a time-frame to get it out of their system, and be all right, as scheduled. It isn't necessarily same way for everyone, and that's perfectly fine. It is what makes being human an interesting experience, what makes the human being wondrous, spectacular, frightening and beautiful. Diverse. Perfect in imperfection.
Now, I expect a lot of resistance on the last point - especially from perfectionists... Hee!
As a kid, I worried about the End Of The World. I worried that I might die. I was...Maybe 5? 6? Yes, I remember being worried about this at that age. I remember asking my mom about it anxiously and as kids that age are wont to take whatever their parents say at face value - i was comforted by my mom's answer - That it was a long time from now. "Matagal pa yon." I took her at her word and left it at that. Fear set aside from a single dismissive answer.
In High-school, there was a wave of talk going around about "The End Of The World" and people were either giving away or asking for these special blessed candles that - since they were blessed, were the only ones that could ever be lit when all the lights go out as the world 'as we know it' comes to an end. In my head I wondered - well, that's fine for the Catholics, but what about the people from the other religions who don't have access to this special candle? I began to fret anew. I think they even had a specific date as to when the world was supposed to end - or a window of time that it would.
The fear of death once again rose from the pits of my mind where I had tossed them previously. Thoughts I thought were safely tucked away came spilling out helter-skelter and I started to worry that I haven't yet lived my life. I was in High-School. I even think I asked if I could skip school on that day and just enjoy myself doing whatever I wanted - but I knew I didn't want to spend my last day in school, it felt like such a waste of time! (hardly the academe, even back then). And THE DAY, came and went. The world did not end.
The Sky is NOT falling, Chicken Little, you aren't dead yet.
I don't even know where my mom kept the blessed, sacred candle.
Time went on. I finished High-School, finished College, got a job (eventually), changed jobs, got diagnosed with a chronic disease with no cure, and I'm not dead yet. I'm still here. Wow. Admittedly, on the surface able to live out my days still - not as I might have, were I not diagnosed with Lupus, but here nonetheless. Why IS that? I wonder about The Universe having a Plan.
What the hell IS it? Then I take stock of things - I'll leave the greater plan part to The Universe. Did I have a plan? For myself? Given the circumstances in which I now find myself - Did I know what I was going to do with my life? What was I going to do? The time in which I have - for now - been given?
I wish I could look you straight in the eye and answer confidently as a beauty pageant contestant who was thoroughly prepared like a winning race-horse :
"I plan to work towards the achievement of...World Peace." Applause would thunder and ring in my ears, and as that died down I would add - I likewise plan go back to University and become a rocket scientist! More applause would be heard and as the crowd goes wild - I would smile knowing I'd be a shoe-in for Miss Universe Micro-Edition, since I'm not statuesque enough to actually even as a joke *think* of becoming a contender for any beauty contests.
But seriously now. DO I, have a plan for myself?
No I don't, really. At least nothing specific at this point. I plan to continue writing. That's one. I plan to catch up on my reading and enjoying time with my family and friends. Maybe have a doughnut or two, toss in some cotton candy and a can of Pepsi while I'm at it. And for right now, that's all right. There is, of course, the quest for a more sustainable and financially rewarding Career that will ensure that I don't end up sleeping out on the pavement - the specifics of which can be kept out of this discussion since that's an ongoing endeavor. There is also, in the works, a second blog, which will be devoted solely to my experience of someone who is living with Lupus. A site that aside from being a way for me to deal with having this ailment, (yes, I still have days when I think I haven't fully come to terms with having SLE a.k.a. Systemic Lupus Erythematosus - after almost 7 years!), but I also want to help others who have the same (or similar) condition realize that there are alternative ways of looking at the situation other than being really, really, really sad about getting it. It will be for those who HAVE SLE, and those who know people who have it - give people a sneak-peek into what it is like, how it feels, what it is, what it can do to you and those you love. No, Lupus is not contagious, but having it can inevitably affect those around you - if only because they care about you and wish they could make things better.
Note: Sometimes there is precious little that can be done apart from medication, awareness, understanding and TLC. (i guess it is the same for most chronic illnesses, isn't it?) I must say though, I'm glad that the life expectancy for people with Lupus is much longer nowadays compared to when they were diagnosing people 10-20 years ago! How much time are we looking at here? Hmmm. A Long Time. I bet the dinosaurs didn't expect that they were one day going to be extinct. (Then again - I wonder if dinosaurs thought about anything beyond eating and being dinosaurs?) I digress - what was the point I was trying to make here?
I'm no dinosaur but I don't have any illusions about being immortal either, and neither should you, dear reader (ok, in my drug induced hubris, I am supposing someone is actually reading this! hahaha).
I've said it before in a previous essay that I wrote - you've got to Live - NOW.
Okay, you're allowed to sleep every now and then, but make the moments when you are awake count. Make them worthwhile. Do something you enjoy, help others when you can and when you can't try to BE there for those you care about. Be present, in the moment and be there for all that you are worth - and believe you me, you are worth a lot. We all are. But even THAT is relative. ;-)
A cup can give just as much as a cup can give, a bucket can contain as much as a bucket can. Get to know yourself better, then like yourself, if there is something you find that you don't like, then do something about changing or improving on it.
Learn what it is that you enjoy and do it (if you don't already do) - I suggest staying within what is realistic. I'd like to fly a jet and do loops around an air-control tower or man a giant robot and walk through a city sometimes but THAT isn't very realistic. Find out what you are good at and get better at it.
Just - DO something about something, anything. Except - give up.
We can, in our own ways find something to occupy ourselves with.
It then becomes a matter of knowing what you want to invest enough energy into, determine if it is worth the time and if it is - then nothing can stop you (most of the time). There also has to be some sort of planning involved, I figured, but first we must know what we want to achieve, if anything. Even if it is as simple as - I want to learn to make French Toast. So - learn to make The Best French Toast EVER. It need not be a grand thing, sometimes it's just getting out of bed and being nice to the people around you, getting to work on time or meeting your deadline so you don't hold up the rest of your co-workers with theirs if your input depends on it. Sometimes it means committing to and sticking with an exercise or diet program. Anything. But put yourself fully into it or not at all. All in all, I know this is all easier said than done, and I may be accused of oversimplifying things - but that's just it - It feels like people have made things so complicated for themselves that living now becomes so complicated.
Put your socks on before you wear your shoes. Simple.
The Year is 2011. There is again talk of the World Coming To An End in 2012 according to the Mayan Calendar (just as there was the hubbub about the 13th zodiac sign and that your sign may have shifted - but i'll leave THAT discussion for another time). The World is Ending AGAIN. Now. Either I'm jaded or I'm not as afraid this time around - maybe a tad more critical about it - WILL the world end next year? Do I comfort myself with No, The World won't end for a long time yet, matagal pa yan. But another voice, less sure inside me goes - but what if it does? I waver. Back to The Human Heart. Beyond what you can see, what doctors and books can tell you about it, let me say something it can do for you - it can see you through tough times. It can help you withstand pain you thought impossible and overcome what you thought insurmountable odds. You'd be surprised. Okay. there will be times you might think yourself crazy - don't worry, I've been diagnosed bipolar (so that puts me in the "crazy" category already, doesn't it?) and it isn't THAT bad being crazy - just don't skip your medication. hahaha. Crazy just gets bad press. But! As they say, good press, bad press, is still press - so make the best lemonade out of the lemons you've been given! In THIS case, the lemons are actually a basketful of clichés,
so sue me.
They say everything is relative. Time is relative. You've only got as much time as you need. I'm reminding myself that we've ALL been given the same 24 hours in a day, 365 days a year.
Three words here: Proper Time Management.
During this time, I hope I don't give up, and if anyone else out there is reading this - I trust YOU won't either - because if you did, then who else would read this blog???
I am reminded of and want to end this entry with a poem:
Invictus
The clocks keep ticking. (yes, there IS more than one, choose your own)
LET'S DO THIS.
*Rock & Roll*
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| photo from google search thank you! :) |
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