The archaic usage being - reliability.
There are many days (for me, more than I care to acknowledge) when I wonder if my saying that "The Universe Has A Plan" is really just something to make me feel better about things that aren't so great in life. There is a near constant dialogue in my head about the wisdom of my choices, the veracity of my intentions and the sanity of my logic. (the last one, worries me most of all, but so far, I'm fairly calm about it)
I haven't been able to really post anything for longer than I had intended because I was adjusting to one of the medications I've had to take for BiPolar Syndrome. I've noticed that, some people are surprised or at least maybe even a little taken aback by the mention of the word, much less the discovery that they are talking to someone who IS BiPolar.
Well - I've gotten used to the surprise that some people express when they find out I have Lupus, so the mild astonishment that sometimes comes with the term BiPolar isn't all too unsettling for me anymore. Same old, same old.
But, back to Trust. I like it more than the word Hope, which, although has merits all its own, I usually prefer to use the word - trust.
It takes a lot of it for me to get through the day - to survive the inevitable gremlin of doubt that sits on my shoulder and whispers sweet uncertainties in my ear when I sit still long enough to let it get to me. Most days - I just keep moving in order not to "hear" anything.
There are glorious moments when I go through hour after hour with the certainty of the brave (and possibly blissfully ignorant) and all seems right in my world. But those are the times when I think my level of trust is at its highest.
Trust in what? Trust in people, in the innate goodness of others, in the thinking that in all the bad news that is on television these days - there is still a lot of good in the world, and a lot more to be thankful about despite the unpleasantness that surrounds us. Trust that The Universe DOES have a plan, and I just need to keep believing that.
I have days when pain gets the better of me and it becomes difficult to even stand up (this is when my being stubborn helps, haha) because - as challenging as it can be to simply get up and out of bed - I will anyway; and days when as morbid as it sounds, I am actually dismayed to find out that I made it through the night.
But - I generally think things are always better in the morning, so this morbid thought evaporates fairly rapidly, especially after I've had my cup of coffee, and if that doesn't work, a Pepsi always helps improve my mood. =)
Life is always a series of choices which, in turn leads to a slew of consequences, for good or ill. Sometimes the most I can hope for is that the choices I make are the best ones at the time - which, might be the most anyone can hope for perhaps?
I do not have a predisposition towards the maudlin, but lately I've been more easily given to sentimentality and a fragile sort of mood. (Did I hear someone say - it's time to bring up the dosage of the medication? haha) However, all is not as bleak as it sounds. All it takes is a good day with the least amount of physical discomfort (or a whole lot of Pepsi, and maybe some chips to go with it) to make the world a better place for me. Yes, things aren't always perfect, nothing is - but with the right frame of mind - everything can be bearable, even a perfectly horrible day. Gee, I wonder if that even made sense? hee!
I've started to watch this tv series - Fringe - which among other things, brings up the possibility, nay - the very existence - of: A Parallel Universe. (excuse my escapist tendencies here, but I seem to have a very high capacity for Suspension of Disbelief) haha.
Well, in my flights of fancy I'd say - in a Parallel Universe, I don't have Lupus, am not Bipolar and I know how to cook really, really well. Okay. Back to THIS Universe, Babs. Pronto.
There are many many reasons for me to be grateful for the life I have now, family, friends and the very idea that I'M STILL HERE!!! Should be on the top of that list.
I'd like to thank everyone in my Universe who make my being alive a worthwhile experience - despite my physical discomfort, despite my sleepless nights, despite the many odds and ends of having to deal with living with a chronic medical condition. It's all good still. Always.
I *trust* that The Universe HAS a plan, and I hope I don't stop believing it does, even if I don't know *exactly* what that plan might be at the moment.
In the meantime, I have to remember to just show up, and be present.
Plan ahead when I can, but take each day at a time.
Life is here, it's happening - this is not a drill. Let's rock & roll!
Mabuhay!
Here is an interesting link I read today...
http://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/authors/thanissaro/lifeisnt.html
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