Fascinating...

I'm exhausted today...so what am I doing writing this blog entry?

I suppose I just have something I need to say.

There are monsters....and there are MONSTERS.

We have the usual hideous beasts of lore that we read about and imagine and see in our worst nightmares, and then there are those kinds of monsters that seem like normal people, but are actually hideous and beyond beastly on the inside.
Dorian Gray is alive and well in various forms.

If you're lucky, you are able to identify one from the other...and take note, sometimes it doesn't take a scary countenance or extreme physical deformity to be a monster. The worst sort are the monsters who try to kill your spirit, who steal the joy in your soul.

I hope I never turn into one of them...and I hope you never have to encounter this type of monster either...

The trick in dealing with the Dorian Gray type of monster is - know who you are and live your life for the greater good, thinking only good for those around you whether or not you know them personally.

Life feels too complicated and unfair most of the time - so let's spread as much love as we can... shall we?

Tread lightly, but without fear, although never forget - Here Be Monsters.

ROCK ON!!!

from the 1945 movie - The Picture Of Dorian Gray, c/o Wikipedia

Is this what they call a flatline, or just a serious rut?

Did you miss me?


It will seem strange, but I have to say - I miss me too.

I haven't been feeling quite like myself these past few weeks. I wonder a lot about whether this is something akin to an emotional flatline, or just a serious rut. most days, I don't see much difference.

I keep reminding myself, this too shall pass - IT HAS TO. Because tomorrow, whether I care or not, the world will still keep turning and the sun will still shine.

*cue recording*

"The subscriber cannot be reached. Please try your call again later."

I think I'll go sit in a corner for a bit. We'll play...Later.

Catch y'all in a few shakes. Are those lamb tails I see wagging in the distance?!

*mental note*

You've got to get out of this rut, a flatline would be too boring, plus, you aren't dead yet so, get over yourself.

Take your pill.

Inhale. Exhale. Repeat as needed.

Freaky Dream Sequence

I had what I consider a strange dream last night.

Given that I have trouble sleeping in general, the fact that I actually stayed asleep long enough to dream (much less remember it so vividly) makes the experience quite fascinating for me.

My brudder had a 14 year old stalker who was obsessed with meeting him and insisted that she was his significant other.  It was only odd because - in my dream, my brudder refused to meet and face her, saying - he didn't know who this person was.

Turns out - she liked the photos he took, happened to read a poem from litratula.com with a picture that my brother had taken and somehow felt she and my bro were "connected".

As dreams go - nothing has to make sense. (is life supposed to be this way too?)

I spoke to her and asked HOW she and my brother met, which is why I know their "history". This detail is especially noteworthy because I am not the type to pry and have never been one to be the 'next in line to Boy Abunda' when it comes to interviewing for personal info.

In the next sequence...I was standing by the gate of some house, with this girl (the one who is supposedly my brudder's significant other) while she waited for her car to fetch her - we were apparently waiting up for a red escort. (do those cars even still ply the roads these days???)

I never found out if the car arrived. I woke up with a start and a thought running in my head that went - oooooooooooookay, it was about time I snapped out of THAT.  

After a few more minutes something DID make sense.

It's a Monday.

'Nuff said.

where'smycoffee?

Memento Mori

Enjoy life while you can.

The sister of a friend passed away two days ago and I visited the wake last night. I went clear across town - more for the bereaved rather than the one who has passed on. 

This is especially true for the wake I took part in (albeit for a brief period of time) in order to give my friend a hug and to let her know, tangibly that, aside from her immediate family there are friends who will stand by her through what is possibly one of the most trying moments of a person's life.

The sudden, unexpected loss of a loved one.

Many times I forget what a gift it is to have those I love within an arm's length, a hug, a text message or a phone call away.  I am guilty of passing by those I keep near and dear in my heart with not so much as a glance and quick smile.  possibly too wrapped up in whatever it is I am doing or feel that I need to do that I don't have enough time to pay attention to anything or anyone else. This happens more times than I care to remember - why? You ask.  Because they are always there anyway, and it isn't like I won't see them again in possibly a few minutes or in the morning when I wake up.

But...what if. . .
...I don't wake up?
...they don't wake up?
...something unpleasant happens between the time I last see them and the next time we meet?

Not to be setting a morbid, depressing or negative mood here. This is meant more as a  reality check. 

A gentle, although maybe not so subtle reminder to myself, a mental note via this blog entry, as you will - to take every opportunity to let those who matter to me *know* that I care about them.

When I am mindful, I remember to check in and ask family and friends how their day has been, or even the more common question - "have you eaten yet?" if only by way of checking in and letting them know - hey, you matter to me and even in the most mundane way, I'd like to make sure that things are all right in your world.

I want to remember to take the time and check in with those who matter to me, to those who make a difference in my life simply because they are part of it.

Reality check -

Death is inevitable.

Sometimes those we love leave this world when we least expect, and even when their demise is something that isn't too much of a surprise (as may be the case with the terminally or chronically ill)  the moment you find out that they are gone will always be a blow you can't begin to imagine until the truth and reality of someone's death stares you in the face.

I hope I remember to take time to let those I care about know that they are important.
That I am here for them if they need me and that I'd be more than happy to help them if I can in whatever capacity I can muster given the circumstances. MY circumstances, to be more specific.  I might not always announce my availability or willingness, but I can only hope that they trust me enough to know that all they need to do is ask.

Life should be lived, experienced, enjoyed, LIVED.
While we can - for as long as we can.

I don't claim that I have it perfect and that there aren't things in my life that I sometimes wish weren't  so difficult.  There are in fact many days when waking up with a sore EVERYTHING after a fitful sleep makes getting up and out of bed to face the day a less than happy thought - but - I get up anyway.
There remains things to be done, people to see, family and friends to hug, greet, text, share jokes and laugh or hang out with, articles, blog entries to be written, books to be read, books to be written and pets to feed.
(ok, fish count, as do turtles).

As long as I am alive, then I will take every opportunity to make use of the time I've got.
If that includes a doughnut, coffee or Pepsi, then you won't hear any objections from me!

I can only hope that when my time is up, people will say - it was good while it lasted, and she had the time of her life while she could.

And since I am still around, I choose to celebrate life.
I salute those who have gone before, have fun and spend quality time with people in my life who matter and wait eagerly to cheer for those who are yet to come.

If you are reading this - you, yes I mean YOU - Smile, I love you!!!  Thank you for being part of my life, y'all make this a fun ride. Salamat Po!

It's all good, folks. Really.

Mabuhay!

Hoppin' To It...

Happy Easter Everyone!

I never could figure out WHY a bunny would take time to hide eggs - and it isn't until now that I'm supposed to be at an age (well over 18 ;-P) that I've taken the time to look into this strange but widely accepted "practice".

Okay -

1. The Bunnies - BRING the Easter Eggs....technically...and i suppose, not having opposable thumbs, kept dropping the eggs willy-nilly and the kids would have to scrounge around the bushes and shrubs for them.

2. Bunnies do not - LAY EGGS, they are just symbols of fertility (the prolific hares and the chicken eggs)

3. This is considered the 2nd Christmas - in the Philippines, it is called - Pasko ng Pagkabuhay - The Christ has Risen from the dead - a second life - signalling that we've all been "saved".

4. Playing Angry Birds during Easter is a twisted but fun way of celebrating the 'holiday'.

5. It is important to be grateful for the gift of life - regardless of the current circumstances that we may find ourselves in.

There are often situations where we are less than happy to be a part of.  Probably feeling less than exuberant about life in general, about where we are in our 'evolution' or perhaps just the realization that we haven't evolved all that much. GAH.  But, it's better to be part of the living, and being able to contribute in ways - no matter how seemingly insignificant, towards making the world a better place to be in.

This Easter, with the resurrection of The Christ, may we remember that life - ALL life, is precious, and even if we aren't in the best of health or the most financially capable or the prettiest, most fetching individual in the room - we are all - WORTH IT.  The Universe loves YOU - believe it.

So, smile and look around you, whether you see any eggs, or any bunnies hopping around with a basket (again - HOW do they carry the basket? With their paws?) hop to the beat of life...the song is playing somewhere out there - out where dreams...come true... ;-P

duck eggs...chicken eggs...have an egg! Mabuhay!

In The Swim

We are thrust into the world, usually screaming our lungs out and gasping for air.
When we deal with the daily tasks and events in our life, we feel like we've been thrown into a giant pool and someone forgot to teach us how to swim.  
So we do the best we can to keep afloat.
We dog-paddle, thrash wildly sometimes, calmly float or wade towards the shallower part of the pool.   If we're lucky, we're thrown a life-preserver or some flotation device that keeps us from totally drowning - er, like a fish out of water.  
Sink or swim, it seems - applies not just to swimming, but to life in general.
Sure, it can be tiring, but I hear that if you just relax and let go, you might actually float! (okay, I've never really managed to do this, because I panic and start to sink)
Most times, I'm clutching at the sides of the pool, with my head just safely above the waterline - not very exciting, really. I've also tried sitting by the side of the pool with just my feet dangling in the water.  BUT - the fun in swimming is...actually swimming.
So - throwing caution to the wind, jump in and start with the freestyle!  
A cannonball jump into the water is also quite exhilarating, just make sure you choose to go off the deep end (which is where I usually go - HAHAHAHAHAHA, er, sorry, private joke I have with the voices in my head)
It being a typically bright, sunny afternoon, my thoughts turn to cooling off in the pool - too bad I think it isn't open at the moment, so I'll just have to settle for 'thinking' of swimming.
Let's not forget that I can't really be under the sun. (Okay, no side-comments about me being a creature of the night and stalking people for blood - I prefer Pepsi, thank you!)
Back to swimming.
For people who don't know how to, I suppose the idea of jumping into the water without any preparation or proper instruction can be rather scary - but - it's a whole lot like being born.  We are thrust into the world not knowing exactly how things are going to go or how we are supposed to do certain things, but we deal with it - we make choices as we go along and we LIVE. (or at least that is the idea)
I don't want to just sit at the side of the pool and watch while everyone else is having fun.  If I get bored with watching life pass me by and I decide not to do anything about it, then that would be my fault, now wouldn't it?
It's really just a matter of making up my mind to (okay, plug for Nike) JUST DO IT.
There are never any guarantees that I won't panic and nearly drown myself, but there has to be trust that somehow, I'll survive.  Whether it is out of sheer willpower and stamina, or because there are people around me who will care enough to fish me out, or throw me a life-preserver.  Shout out to my friends and family - they have always been there for me during times when I feel that I'm drowning and they manage to keep me afloat long enough to realize that even within an inch of my life left, things can only get better.
Sure, there are days when I feel like I didn't ask to be thrown into the pool, yes, there are times I wish there wasn't a damned pool at all, but since it's here, and I'm in it - there seems to be just one thing left for me to do:
Keep Swimming.
Mabuhay!  

Keep Moving...Think - Shark!

Being in near-constant pain takes some getting used to. 
(I think I may have just turned into the Queen of Understatement)
Nearly 7 years since being diagnosed with Lupus, my wrists and knees decided to celebrate by  swelling just enough to make me feel like a mini-marshmallow.  Ow.
The trick would be - either a cold compress to ease the swelling, pain medication to ignore the inevitable discomfort that accompanies moments of inflammation and a stubborn mind-set that refuses to give in to the urge to just NOT MOVE.
Now, of course, we are told that physical pain signals that something is wrong and that we should rest.  Well, what do you do when you haven't done anything particularly strenuous and your body decides to turn on the pain switch a notch higher?  
You smile, take a deep breath and hoist yourself up from the bed and move towards the counter to make a cup of coffee.  No fanfare greets you when you make it to your destination, but at least it feels like a chorus of angels hails your awakening with your first sip of coffee.
It isn't always such a challenge to have Lupus. There are "pain-neutral" days when I experience just enough of it to remind me of certain body parts that I've forgotten I had.
In fact, the day-to-day changes and experiences can prove to be quite the interesting experience - sometimes though - I wish it wasn't so taxing.  My good humor doesn't always stay within sociable limits, but never enough to make me totally give up on stepping out and meeting friends or family.
I think the trick is to keep moving anyway.  The pain will always be there, but thankfully, there are more than enough distractions to make me forget just how uncomfortable it can be, to have to deal with Arthritis or muscle pain when I'm neither close to the age of retirement or a member at a gym with a rigorous program.
Like a shark that *needs* to keep swimming, lest it sink like a rock - I've got to keep moving.  Pain? Inflammation? Dis-ease? Think - predator, not prey... Keep moving, one step at a time. Woohoo!!! 
*make sure you have your Phiten necklace on*

*STRETCH*
Mabuhay!!!